When you talk about dealing with infertility, you get a lot of different reactions. Some people sympathize, some people criticize, some people wonder why you would want to bring a child into the world when there are already so many children unloved and unclaimed. I’ve had pretty much all of that directed at me. I’ve heard that once I stop thinking about it, it will happen. I’ve heard that when I can’t afford it, it will happen. I’ve heard that at least I get to have fun trying until it happens. And each of those points of view have validity.
But I’m 32. I sort of can’t stop thinking about it. If this is going to happen it has to happen soon. I don’t have an infinite amount of time to think about it, no years on end to decide if maybe I want to have kids someday. I need to get this going, stat. I need to have a one track mind about this.
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I don’t have a good, logical reason to want kids. I don’t know if anyone does. Maybe it’s because I want my lineage to continue, or because I want that connection to my husband; to create something with him. Maybe I’m just a narcissist with a narrow view. (That has been suggested and cannot be discounted entirely. I am admittedly self-centered.) What is any person’s reason for wanting a child? Does reason even have anything to do with it?
I’ve written before about how my fertility issues affect me and my relationship with my husband, but I know it also affects others in my life, not directly but through their interactions with me. In the past I’ve come to hate Mother’s Day, and felt anger at friends and acquaintances who get pregnant without even wanting to. I’ve flirted with bitterness that I’m certain has put people off. I hate feeling that way and I hate even more that those around can sense those feelings.
This cacophony that runs through my head can be really best understood by someone who has had issues with fertility. From an outsider’s perspective it seems so self-centered, so self-involved, and to tell the truth, it seems like that to me, too. I want to get outside of my own head and just not think about it but I don’t know how. If my attempts to get pregnant aren’t successful I don’t want to look back at all this time I’ve spent wrapped up in this and feel like the best years of my life passed me by.
So I’m going to try every day to make an effort to not worry myself about whether or not this happens. I’m going to try to stop analyzing every little change in my body for signs of pregnancy. I’m going to do my best to live in the moment and not sabotage myself with wishful thinking and preoccupations. I’m going to think of sex as a chance to become closer with my husband, not as that thing you do frantically when ovulation nears.
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And even as I type all of these promises, I have to wonder how many I can truthfully keep. All I know is that I’ll do my best, my best to not make myself crazy, my best to not make those around me crazy. I’ll do my best to just not think about it.
After all, don’t they say you get pregnant as soon as you stop thinking about it?