She Already Knows, or Does She?

Pinkee here~ Lately Lila has been blogging about myths a lot.  Well here’s another one I’d like to dismantle: “If you really loved me you’d know what I want and you’d just do it.”  For years, I have been thinking how silly it is that other people subscribe to this one. Then just recently I caught myself believing in it too. Perhaps you also have a hidden belief about this that even you don’t know about.

First of all, your partner is not a mind reader.  If you don’t tell her (or him)how you are feeling,  she may quite possibly not know.  This first step in good communication, of course, would require you to actually check in with yourself and know how you are feeling.  As men, I realize you have not really been taught how to do this.  In fact, you have been discouraged from doing this.  So I can only imagine how confusing it is to you when your female partner now wants you to talk about your feelings.

What feelings, you may be asking?  Well, as I may have mentioned before, there are five basic feelings: fear, anger, joy, sexual feelings, and sadness.  For men the big two that you have been most socialized to deny are fear and sadness, so let’s focus on those two.

How do human beings know when they are having a particular feeling?  It is just automatic?  No, is it a skill that has to be learned.  If you haven’t learned it in childhood, and many people didn’t, it’s not too late.  We can get clues about our feelings from our body sensations.  Now here’s something you can relate to, right?  Your body.  Ok, what’s happening in your body?  What body sensations are you experiencing right now?  Some of the body sensations usually associated with sadness are pain or heaviness in the heart or upper chest area, tightness or lump in the throat, and stinging in the eyes.  You may have others that are particular to you.  A little self-observation will help determine that.

Now, fear.  Most times fear is felt in the abdominal region.  Shortly before my ex-husband and I made a decision to divorce, he had such severe abdominal pain that he was literally hospitalized for it.  They never found any medical cause for the pain. I now believe the pain was all about his fear of the impending divorce.  Not all fear is felt so intensely.  Yours may appear as “butterflies in the stomach”, a stomach ache, or nausea. And, again, you may experience fear in your body in ways that are particular to you.  

Having any of the above feelings is totally normal.  Most human beings, if in tune with themselves, would find that they experience the full spectrum of feelings every day.  It may be hard for you to notice them at first as you were trained from a young age to deny some or all of them.  One way to get a hint about your feelings during the waking state is to take a look at your dreams.  If you can remember a dream you’ve had recently, what was the predominant feeling of the dream? Chances are that same feeling is one you’ve been having a lot in the waking state, too.