Dr. Diana Kirschner's new book "Sealing The Deal" tells us how to change negative dating patterns.
Killer Belief #6: Relationships Mean That One Person Has To Give Him/Herself Up
Other variations on this theme:
• I can't be my real self in a relationship.
• I need too much.
• I have to do all the work to make the relationship happen.
• I am losing my identity in this relationship.
• I can't speak my truth.
• I can't get what I need.
• I can't win with this man.
• I don't have any power in this relationship.
• I have to be the way he wants me to be.
• He has to be the way I want him to be.
• I have to avoid conflict.
• I have to teach him what love is.
• I have to forget my needs and concentrate on fulfilling his.
This killer belief tends to create fears of being smothered or smothering your partner. The woman fears that she will create an empty, one-way relationship where one of the partners is completely taken over by the needs and wants of the other. Ultimately this belief and the behaviors that it fuels can lead to a relationship where you don't express your true feelings and real wants. That type of relationship is not only inauthentic, it is also boring and unfulfilling. In some cases, the woman ditches her friends and her independence to submerge herself wholly with the One; sometimes it is the guy who is desperate to please and bond with his partner.
Warning Signs: You give, give, give to make it work, 'til you can't anymore and you end up feeling empty, taken advantage of and pissed-off. Or you take up with an accommodating milquetoast and are bored, bored, bored. As we've discovered, it is your secret and not-so-secret killer beliefs that can destroy your relationships.
Next: How to uncover, face and rewire your Killer Beliefs