Dear People Magazine,
I'm a married lady, so it's probably inappropriate that I am even writing this letter, but I feel as though I am writing on behalf of all people everywhere. Yes, even men. Because we are all outraged at your yawn-inducing pick for "Sexiest Man Alive." Hottie Bradley Cooper Named 2011's Sexiest Man Alive!
Who was in charge of picking him? My mom, or some other woman in her declining years who refers to men as "good looking wool"? I mean, sure, Bradley Cooper has those dreamboat eyes and that cavalier, take-me-home-to-mama smile. But we're all more inclined to scratch him behind the ears like an adorable puppy than take him behind the middle school and get him pregnant, if you know what I'm saying.
Have you been on the Internet at all recently? Because, according to the Internet, Ryan Gosling is the sexiest man alive. And as we all know, the Internet never lies.
Let's recap: first, we all saw Ryan Gosling stop a fight in the streets of New York City. THIS! Can Bradley Cooper do this? And People, since you are clearly struggling, I'll give you the answer: NO, BRADLEY COOPER CANNOT DO THIS! Hero Of Our Dreams: Ryan Gosling Breaks Up An NYC Fight
If that weren't enough evidence to prove to you, People, what a horrible, horrible mistake you've made, let's look to the site "F**k Yeah, Ryan Gosling." Look, seriously. I like to call this site "Exhibit: Awesome."
You need more? Was Bradley Cooper's face made into a pancake? Ryan Gosling's pancake face could out-sexy Bradley Cooper's real face any day.
Is Bradley Cooper a feminist? Would he discuss the Derrida's politics of sexual difference with us? With no pants on? Because, Ryan Gosling would. And, he's started a little feminist revolution IN OUR PANTS. And if that's not the sexiest thing in the world, then I don't know what is.
Finally, Ryan Gosling did ballet. Are you swooning now? Well, you should be, People. You should be.
People, let's be straight here — we're a love and relationships magazine. We know sexy. It's our business. We look at sexy every day. We get paid to look at sexy. And while Bradley Cooper is adorable, he is not sexy.
You have done terrible wrong here, People Magazine, and we urge you to correct it, lest Ryan Gosling and his legions of fans enact a horrible revenge.
Lyz on behalf of YourTango.com and frankly, THE ENTIRE WORLD
P.S. If you agree that Ryan Gosling was robbed, let us know in the comments.
Image via feministryangosling.tumblr.com.