Every man you should avoid, and I've dated all of them.

Every man you should avoid, and I've dated all of them.

Every man you should avoid, and I've dated all of them.

Thumbnail: 
Dek: 
There are certain types of men that women fall victim to. Don't fall into the trap...

When I got hitched at 18 after only having experienced one 'serious' relationship and a couple of casual time fillers, I truly believed that I would be one of the lucky few who would never have to 'get back out there' again. Needless to say when you marry the person you want to see rather than acknowledging who is really in front of you, a union so blind is bound to falter. And that it did; I became a divorcee and single parent at the ripe old age of 21. Dating in your twenties is nauseating enough as it is with the prospects that roam todays' streets, adding a history like mine under your belt can only magnify the worst that is yet to be.

 

I'm not a bed hopper, a man sharer, or a 'sexually confused' mess of a whore who plays on both teams to double her chances at finding love through sought out desperate validation. I'm just a simple woman who has made a lot of stupid choices in the opposite sex, and I'm embarrassed to admit, all willingly. I could blame every one of my exes completely, have them be the hunchbacks of my stories and go on my merry way as if I didn't have any hand in the relationships demise, but just like it takes two willing parties to jump in the sack for a casual fling, it takes two to keep a bad relationship running its' course. I more than own up to my contributions of my dating history, and with each new experience I take lessons learned and apply them to my next partnership in hopes of avoiding all of the ridiculous shit that came before.

 

 

As physical appearances go I don't have a 'type'. I've got certain friends that have cycled through their own personal lives where it seems they date the same man/woman over and over again (looks wise). Hell, a lot of people do it! It all comes down to pheromones and our body's chemical desire that is driven to seek out partners with certain features that will help us produce beautiful offspring. It's common science, but that's another article...It has never manifested that way for me at all. I've dated short guys, tall guys, ones with light hair, ones with dark hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, big dicks, little dicks, little dicks who believed they had big dicks (yeah, I'm sure you've been there too). I've had quite the plethora of different appearances as my dating experiences have gone. However, it has becomes duly noted that the vast majority I've welcomed into my small world have all shared one common personality trait; being a selfish, arrogant asshole.

 

Yes, it's true. The asshole always beats out the nice guy, just like the easy bitch wins reign over the good girl. Well, not always just most of the time. Stick me in a room full of eligible, well meaning gentleman, and I can pretty much guarantee that the one stupid jerk who I should run far and fast from is the same tool I'll be writing about so many months from now after he's taken my money, dignity and/or belief in any great men left. My unique taste in males may not share common ground in the looks department, but it's almost as if the same ex who throws me through a loop via gut wrenching breakup reincarnates into my next/future ex. So who is this 'one' guy? What are all of these traits that make for romantic doom? Having jotted down names, events, and the legacies they've left behind, I have compiled the five biggest offenders who have made a memorable spot for themselves in my little black book of "I'd rather commit undying love and devotion to my ongoing, faithful vibrator than ever date someone like you again".

 

 

Mr. Sloth

 

As I've relayed before in my other posts, maturity is not built upon age, only by experience. When you've led a life of luxury or under the thumb of those who've babied you without concern well into adulthood, proper motivation and growth ceases to exist. Mr. Sloth takes living in easy stride. Rolling with the punches, going with the flow, who needs to really strive and take action when destiny is out of our hands? Mr. Sloth is sure that his time is undoubtedly coming, so there's no point in trying to find/make a great life for himself anyway. He's also been known to be a carrier of the Peter Pan syndrome, and can usually be found fleeting in and out of jobs, relationships and anything that which requires time, effort, and energy.

 

 

Mr. Hustle

 

I've fallen victim to this same guy more times than I care to admit. He will walk into your life out of the blue with a suave demeanor and spring in his step. But don't be fooled, his cheerfulness is a disguised front for seeping his mooching little claws into your back when you least expect it after you've already gone deep in denial. Mr. H is sweet, attractive, appearing to have nothing less than great potential, but somehow the cards manage to always be dealt against him! He can't hold a job because his employers don't appreciate him. He'd love to take you places, buy you beautiful things that only a woman as amazing as you deserves, but he's low on money and his gas tank is continuously empty. Why can't he catch a freakin' break?! The world doesn't get how amazing he can be....he'd be better off if someone would just give him the hand out to get the ball rolling, and his eyes are usually on the prize that is your wallet that will do the trick. Mr. Hustle can usually be found seeking out a sugar momma to support him through the 'rough period' that never ends, and coincidentally will be at least the age of 25 and still living at home with his mother who continues to do his laundry and cook his meals.

 

 

Mr. Angry

 

This guy can get ugly, and it will always be too late to see it coming. Referred to by friends and acquaintances as Dr.Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Mr. Angry has everyone in the free world to blame for his misery but himself because of course, he's never at fault. These guys will use their testosterone to the nth degree, and it doesn't even have to be caused by sane reasons (that's because it usually isn't). They will start with throwing subtle sarcastic remarks your way about some wrong choice you made in an outfit, complain about how the waitstaff at the restaurant who isn't moving fast enough to warrant a tip, blow up in your face for any random excuse he can pull out of his ass for the day. He will always present himself as a friend amongst all to build a trust before feeling comfortable enough to display his true colors. Angry bird will have a mean mouth and stone fist that never quits, so it's best that once you notice the first flag of jerk behavior to run for the hills and leave his immature hostility in your wake.

 

 

Mr. Bigshot

 

Don't you know where he's been? Aren't you aware of the network he has built that is willfully at his beck and call? Mr. B knows anyone and everyone that 'matters', as well he should since he spends the vast majority of his existence busy making connections every where he goes to benefit his agenda, and his alone. While a smart man builds relationships for the sake of having good people in his life, Mr. Bigshot wants a supply on hand to accommodate his well being. Don't you know he's never wrong either? B has been around the block once or twice you know, if anybody knows the answers to everything, he's your man! He's got the best taste in clothes, food, and all of the materialistic wonders you could ever dream of holding as your own. But you can't, because no one can possibly be as cultured as he is. Mr. Bigshot usually has the head to match, but it's not always physically obvious (and that's just too damn bad for us ladies who figure that out way too late).

 

 

Mr. Pretty

 

If you think women are bad when it comes to obsessing over their looks, you haven's seen anything until you date Mr. Pretty. It is a given from the moment you meet him just how gorgeous this guy is, and he isn't at all humble enough to deny it. He revels in the adoration he can pull from every woman he meets. In fact, it's the only way he can happily muster the mundane day to day grind. He's an obnoxious flirt who can't even take a drink order without making pointless chatter in hopes of empty praise to make him feel like 'he's still got it' even if he's involved and/or married already (this one always needs options in case something better comes along, never hurts to be prepared with a back up plan)! Some pretty boys will take their insecurities further by needing you to constantly reassure him of his looks, be it disagreeing with them when they complain over their body fat (even when they have none), taking his pictures during his multitude of fitness model poses so that he can show it all off on his Facebook or send to the harem of ignorant women on his cell phone behind his womans' back thinking she's unaware of his agenda. Pfft! Mr. Pretty is a smokescreen for a guy who knows his time is coming in the looker department, so he makes the most of what he's running with, regardless of the cost of putting love for anyone else but himself on the back burner. You may sway one of these exhausting gents into your corner, but it will be a long time coming before you can expect to ever be enough. They are fantastic liars, and if not already cheaters, have the greatest potential of them all to do so because hey, you'd be lucky to tangle sheets with someone as Godly as he don't you know?!

 

 

So there you have it, a taste of traits that I have dated over the years that every woman should do her best to avoid. If there's anything you can take from reading this, it is to recognize the flags early before you end up in my dating end of the pool wondering how the hell you got knee dip in the land of Doucheville. Don't say I never warned you....

Join the Conversation