Cheat On Your Wife, Break Your Penis?

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pumpkin penis
Karma is a broken penis, gentlemen. Remember that.

If October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, do you think November should be dedicated to Penis Fracture Awareness? Because apparently it's happening and no one is really talking about it. Tens of men break their schlongs every seven years in this country, and only a few have come forward to talk about their terrifying experience. They're a bit embarrassed, if not ashamed, you see, because a broken penis is pretty much the result of a broken marriage. These men's Johnsons aren't cracking in half in the privacy of their own bedrooms while they're doing their wives, no. They're fracturing them while banging the secretary in the supply closet.

According to a University of Maryland Hospital study, 13 out of the 16 men who broke their erect penises between 2004 and 2011 did so while cheating on their wives. Karma much? The Stir: 'Average' Guys Are The Best Guys

Researchers say that dudes are breaking their dicks due to the unusual positions and odd places they're doing the nasty. As you can imagine, it's totally more likely to snap in two when going at it in an office bathroom stall, or a car, or in a sex cage at a swingers' club than it is when you're doing it missionary-style in your marital bed. 

And no, you're right, you can't literally fracture a penis because, yes, right again, a penis does not have any bones. However, these randy, adventurous men are lacerating their tunica albuginea, a fibrous membrane in the center of the penis. Ouch.

I gotta feel bad for these guys, but at the same time, they were having acrobatic sex outside of their marriage. I don't want to go as far as to say that they deserved what they got, but dang — they kind of deserved what they got. But I guess a broken, flaccid penis is sure a lot better to bring home than gonorrhea or herpes.

While we're still learning about lacerated tunica albuginea, I encourage you to say something if you see something. Behind every broken penis (and by "every," I mean 13 in the last seven years), there's a broken marriage. Let the awareness begin!

Do you think a broken penis is karma for cheating men?

Written by Lindsay Mannering for The Stir.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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