That’s right, I said the “F” word…FIGHT!!!
This misunderstood, undervalued and feared experience that people avoid and couples run from has got a bad rap. The possibility of “the fight” stirs up so much for people and yet, without it the passion wanes. The point that I want you to hear is that fighting is not bad, unhealthy & does not mean it’s
beginning of the end.
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The TRUTH is “the fight” is valuable. It’s an opportunity to discover how to stay close and connect in ways that create resolution and relief. Fighting allows for a healthy loving relationship.
That’s the whole point of fighting.
Did you know that the ability to fight and establish fair fighting practices is a huge developmental milestone in achieving a healthy long-term relationship? It fosters trust and confidence that “we” can handle whatever comes our way as a couple. It can create the sense of safety and security needed for intimacy to be fostered. This can happen while fighting if we allow space and navigate each others differences without being destructive &/or breaking up.
Breaking up and destructive patterns are often because of the polarization of differences and power struggles.
“The fight” has the creative power to solidify the love bond. It has the power to dissolve love relationships built on fantasy, romantic notions and unrealistic expectations about the one you fell in love with. It can call into question what you think it takes to be in long-term relationship.
Fighting Creates Intimacy
When, I work with couples and talk with people who are proud to say “we don’t fight, I can’t remember the last time
we had a fight, etc”.What I often hear in the next breath is…
“I’m bored, I don’t feel the love anymore, we’ve grown apart, our relationship lacks passion, I long for more intimacy.” The couple merged, causing a loss of self and a lack of differentiation . This is an all too common reality in long- term relationships and it usually implies one or both people in the relationship don’t share their own thoughts, feelings, or viewpoints.
They often fear they may magnify their differences and have to face a bigger fear like…
1. being intimate
2. the possibility we are not meant to be together,
3. upsetting & hurting the other
4. I will be devastated and I won’t be able to recover
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Here’s what you need to look out for:
· If you pride yourself in being a lover not a fighter,
· If you wear the fact that you and your partner don’t fight
as a badge of honor,
· If you can’t remember the last time you had a fight with someone close to you (ie friend, kids, coworker, lover)
· If disagreements & differences create distance between you and others
· If you don’t know how to reconnect after an argument
· If you don’t feel relief or get to resolution during or after a fight
You’ve got to get to the heart of the matter and expose the truth about fighting.