I Found My Dad's Porn Stash When I Was 12

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This 12-year-old found her dad's secret porn stash; what to do if your little one finds yours.

When I was 12, I found my dad's porno stash in the fifth and sixth drawers of the red Craftsmen tool cabinet in the far-left corner of his workshop, next to the drill press in our garage. Assorted magazines bulged in pistachio-colored freezer bags, the kind my mother brought home from the supermarket stuffed with ice cream sandwiches and frozen fish sticks.

On the cover of one magazine the size of TV Guide a redheaded woman in a black leather vest and studded beret crouched holding a billy club. She didn't have on any pants and she looked angry, as if she wanted to punish the person who ran off with them. I sat on the cool concrete floor among wood scraps and soft yellow piles of sawdust and studied each page. I felt dizzy and my pulse thumped throughout my body. By the time I put the magazine back where I had found it and left the garage, I was hooked.

I wanted to hate what I saw because it seemed like an insult to my mother. Why did my father need to look at other women? Still, another part of me didn't hate it at all. The images and stories held my attention. I was fascinated. I had no idea

What sickened me though was the understanding that my father, despite weighing almost 400 pounds, had impulses. Up until then I tried hard not to think of my parents' privates. I had convinced myself that their genitalia wasn't really genitalia at all but rather a hairless, nondescript area like the vague sex parts on Ken and Barbie. But now my father's penis—what I imagined it looked like—filled my head and there it stayed: massive. Jesus. Not only did my father have a dick, but he used it for things other than peeing! What Am I Going To Tell My Son About S-E-X?

Did my mother know this? Had she ever wondered where all of her freezer bags disappeared to?

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