I Found My Dad's Porn Stash When I Was 12

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This 12-year-old found her dad's secret porn stash; what to do if your little one finds yours.

In my early 20s, I went through a "pro-woman" phase. I studied feminist theory, read Andrea Dworkin, and got in heated debates with my then-boyfriend, who admitted to watching porn movies and going to strip clubs during college. I'd end up with my face in my hands, sobbing. I was dating my father.

The older I got and the more I figured out what love, sex, and having a relationship meant to me, the less pornography bothered me. Truth be told, I had really enjoyed it all those years ago because it had put me in touch with my body. Before I started looking at porn I never knew what a clitoris was and as a consequence had never had an orgasm before. Granted, much of what I saw was inappropriate; as a girl going through puberty I don't think I needed to read about orgies and bondage to enjoy my body! Maybe a steamy romance novel and a short lesson in female anatomy would have done the trick. My dad should have gone to great lengths to really hide his hardcore material and keep it his secret. (Note to self: Put hot Pink dildo in better hiding place so my daughter doesn't find it.) My Son Found My "Special Toy"

 

I never mentioned finding the "stash" to my Dad—that would have been mortifying—but I suspect he knew something. In my teens, I constantly joked about sex at the dinner table, bringing up taboo subjects like incest, anal sex and bestiality. I'd even draw detailed pictures of our neighbors having group sex with their schnauzer, Effie. Because I was such a well-adjusted kid—personable, happy, lots of nice friends—my mom and sister simply chalked up my troubling artwork to a lively—and very weird—imagination.

My dad, however, would say, "You're mind is in the gutter!" and I'd think, what a hypocrite!

For sure, the porn left an imprint on me. More than anything, it impacted my sexual fantasies. I tend to think about crazy things in bed—scenarios that you'd read about or see in, well, a hardcore porn magazine! But then again, I've only compared notes with my sister, Diana, who didn't peruse my dad's stash. Maybe a lot of people get off on fringe fantasies, and Diana—with her ho-hum fantasies of seducing younger men (yawn) — is the real anomaly. 

 
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