Love Cleanse - Day Seven - October 11

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Love Cleanse - Day Seven - October 11

I spoke to him briefly today. He was chatting online with a mutual friend and mentioned he's sad and lonely. So I messaged him privately and told him that I hope he's not really feeling that way. He replied it's not too bad, but he wants others to appreciate what they have. I responded and said I understand, that I intermittently feel sad and lonely, but for him to feel that way seems wasteful. 

What I meant is this: We spent all kinds of time together - and we laughed and smiled while we did so. We were both happy spending that time together, and we're both unhappy not spending time together. It makes no sense to me what we're doing. 

However - that's a big assumption, and I stopped myself from coming out and saying that to him. I'm trying to let some time pass, and see if it's really him I miss, or just the role he played in my life. He'll figure the same thing out. He seems to already feel it was just friendship.

My feeling on that is that it's possible he is scared to be in a relationship; to give himself over to the happiness, so he finds excuses to not stay with someone. Which might explain some of his breakups since his divorce.

It's not necessarily the case; maybe we are just friends. If that's the case, I would think I will move past these feelings. So, I want to give that time and see what happens. Some of what I'm feeling might just be initial loneliness; if that's the case, as I fill my time with other people and stuff to do, some of that sadness will go away. If I still feel the same in some time, I'll say something more to him.

At the moment, I'm still in love with the guy. 

Which made the other thing that happened today that much more unfortunate. I was IM'd by a guy who I met through a friend and her old boyfriend. Actually, I knew this guy from work; he used to be a client. He and my friends wanted to have a swinging good time - not my thing, and plus I was seeing the guy at the time, so I wouldn't have done anything. I said no, but he kept in touch with me. For a while - then he was gone.

Today, out of nowhere, he got in touch with me. I told him I am going through a breakup and he told me he would still like to take me out. He has a lot of baggage - alcohol and gambling problems (he's in recovery); two exes, three kids. He's nice enough, but not exactly my type, and that baggage is a lot for me to handle. 

Plus - honestly - I just don't feel into the idea of dating. I'm very wrapped up in this breakup, and the guy, and I don't want to start anything without having clear feelings. I'd be doing what he did to me, to someone else. That's not right; nor is it helpful to anyone. 

I was honest with the new guy; I told him I'm not really sure what I want right now, or what I'm interested in, and that I'm not ready for dating. He still wants to talk, so that he's there when I'm ready. Oy. 

At the moment, I can't even think of dating someone else. I just want to figure out a way to fill my life with friends and family, and my house and see if I can be happy on my own, at least for a little while. 

 

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