It's a beautiful day outside today. I had a bunch of stuff I could have done; laundry, closets, yard work. I stayed inside all day and watched DVDs. I'm too sad to do much. He posted some blog posts which I caught, so I made some comments. Nothing big.
I've been talking to my friend about strength. I'm mad that I don't have as much as I thought. I really expected that, after hitting rock-bottom after my separation, that any breakup wouldn't affect me this much. Sure, I thought I'd hurt, or be sad - but I thought I'd bounce back faster.
I'm sad that he's gone, and I'm that I don't have anyone else with whom to spend time. I feel weak and pathetic for needing people and not being strong enough to handle things on my own. I'm angry that he seems to be fine, and doesn't miss me, but I'm left with all these memories and feelings that I don't know how to handle. I'm confused that I could find something so wonderful, and have it taken away from me. If that wasn't what I'm looking for - what is? What could be better? I'm scared that I won't ever break out of this, and I'm scared that I won't find anything better. I'm afraid that maybe I don't deserve love? That I'm not good enough to find it and be happy? If that's the case, I wish I knew what I did.
My friend tells me I have a lot of growing to do. Maybe she's right. Obviously, I have some lessons to learn. I just wish I could figure out what they were.
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