Today started out badly. The first Saturday in a long time when I woke up - and had no plans to see him. Very sad for me.
I went to my friend's house and she read my tarot cards. These cards showed that there are two men influencing my life. She felt the first was the guy I'm trying to get over. The second was a man poised to bring some good into my life - although it wasn't clear if it was romance, love, or what. The cards really just showed that I'm going through a lot of changes, but that I have what it takes to make it through. As long as I let the change happen, good things should be coming my way.
Jen and I talked for a while today. She's going through some things too. I think it really helped us both to be able to talk about the other's problems - as well as our own. It felt good to just sit with a friend and talk and laugh - and cry (we both did some of that).
So, I left her place and went and applied for a part time job. We'll see what happens - I'd love to have that turn into something. First, I could use the money. Second, I could use the distraction. Third, I just think I need to make a change, to shake my routine up a bit. This could do that for me, while serving the other purposes at the same time.
After that, I went to the mall and got myself dinner and bought a ticket to go to a movie. I sat down, and looked up. Who do I see? The photographer from my wedding. Are you kidding me? I just wanted an evening without reminders of all the ways that I've failed. While I'm still reeling from that - Jen texts me. Our mutual friend, who I used to date (he was my transitional guy after my marriage) is engaged. To the girl he broke up with me to date. Oy.
So, I posted on twitter, asking was it too much to ask to have a hassle-free movie. The guy texted me, to ask what happened this time. I thought that was nice - he's my friend and he was checking on me.
He said to me yesterday that I see things as black&white; that because he didn't feel for me romantically, that means he didn't want me around at all. He doesn't feel that way, and he did want me around. Just not the same way I want to be around. That text proved that. It didn't make me sad, or give me hope, it just showed me that after everything, he still sees me as a good friend who matters. The same way he always saw me. I'm trying to look at that as a positive in my life, and move past the other feelings.
Seeing a movie on my own was part of that. It was something we often did together, and doing things without him is a big part of me reclaiming my life and making myself happy. I need to do that for me. The movie was good - a romantic comedy, which I was afraid would make me cry.
It's easy to be happy with someone when you're feeling good about life. But what about when you're not doing so well? Do you want to see him when you've been denied a raise, or your cat died or you had a plain old bad day? He should be a comfort during tough times, not a burden.
You don't want to change the essence of who he is. There may be stuff that irritates you in everyday life—he insists on wearing his favorite, holey T-shirt, he eats sugar cereal for dinner, he still watches Saturday morning cartoons—but you like him, plain and simple.
If you do have crucial differences that will impact your future together—different opinions about religion, money or something else—you want to work them out with him, and you believe you can come to a conclusion that will satisfy both of you.
Sometimes it's that easy. You feel like he understands some essential part of you that you can't explain or articulate. It's a warm, comfortable feeling—and one you should have with the person you marry.