October 9, 2010
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Several things happened yesterday - none good.
First, I had my tarot cards read. The reading made a lot of sense, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. The cards showed that I'm about to have money start coming in, through my distraction from my emotions. That lines up with the part time job that I was thinking about getting. They also showed that I have two potential paths; one where I'm settling, one where I'm not. Staying with the guy is settling; letting him go is not. According to the cards, if I let him go and open myself up to it, another guy is out there for me. The new guy should be earthy - meaning he should be stable, self-reliant, dependable, trustworthy. When I asked for clarification on the guy I'm getting over, the cards showed that we had a communication problem; that we both wanted different things from the relationship. I went further with the reader and told her my (and his) birthdays; according to our astrological signs, I'm looking for someone who is with me body, mind and soul. He didn't have that to give.
Great. I ended up texting the guy and telling him I was missing him. We started talking, and he said that if we were to spend time together, we should do it as friends only. He said in hindsight, he really only felt friendship. He said he let it get, and stay, romantic because it was what I wanted, he aims to please people. He said he was smart enough to realize I'm a good catch, and the friendship was so good, he didn't want to give it up. So, he stuck with it, hoping romantic feelings would take over.
That hurt a lot. Number one - it's different than what he's said before. Which is fine - he was confused and sorting through things and probably the little bit of distance from "us" helped him get some clarity. It's hard to understand how someone could pretend so well to have those feelings. He did everything right: He kissed me at the right times, knew just when to ask to see if I wanted to do something, he put his hand on my shoulder, or held my hands in the right way. He used to touch my cheek in a very affectionate way, when we were talking. He bought me little gifts, went out of his way to spend time with me and make me feel comfortable in his life. Every thing he did suggested he felt one way - and the whole time it was forced. Pretend. If he can do that so well, how can I ever trust that from someone else?
Then, to distract myself, I tried to go to dinner and a movie on my own. Saw my ex and his girlfriend (who happens to be the person for whom he left me) at the mall. I panicked and left. Not my proudest moment. To make things worse - he texted me later to see if it was me. I admitted it was, and why I left without saying hello. He was nice, and said he understood. He also told me I wasn't "dumped;" I got the short end of a very crappy stick. True; but I cared for someone a lot who turned out not to have the same feelings. I feel alone, scared, hurt and confused. I feel dumped.
He told me he understands how I feel, and wishes I didn't have to be in this place. I told him, due respect, but he didn't come out of our marriage on the same side that I did. The two significant, lasted more than a date, relationships I've had since both ended the same way; I'm such a good friend - but not good enough for anything more.
I'm tired of not being good enough. I don't understand why that keeps happening to me.
This would probably be easier to handle if the whole "I only feel friendship" conversation had happened a long time ago with this last guy. I invested so much, and I really believed he was doing the same. I let every guard I had down, and let him in. I let him set the pace, make the rules and guide the relationship - but I still got hammered.