I had my nails done today. My nail tech is so cool, and she was wondering what had happened. So, I filled her in on the whole story. She couldn't believe it - she was so upset, and kept saying how angry she was with him. She didn't feel I'd misread any cues; she felt he'd miscued. When I told her how many times I've wanted to text him and say "I miss you" she asked me, "Could you ever trust him again?"
She makes a good point. I'm still at the point where I'm hoping for some grand reconciliation; some overture to each other that we still care, still want it to work, etc. Let's just say, for a minute, that happens - then what? It may not have been intentional, but he did lie to me for a year. He let me believe, and act on the belief, that everything was fine and we were on the same page. How do I trust that again, knowing how well he did it the first time?
I guess the answer is that he wouldn't lie again. The reality is, I will probably be the one to make the overture (eventually) and he will probably say he can't see me; that he's either found someone else, or he's not ready, or whatever. And then I'll know he's telling the truth.
I went to the open mic today; I stayed for about an hour. Part of of me was a little nervous he'd show up, but I really didn't think he would. I really just wanted to see if I could do it on my own. I did okay - not great. I stayed away from the group that was there, because they're regulars. I was afraid they'd recognize me, and ask where he was - and I'd burst into tears. But I sat there, on my own, and listened to music for about an hour before I'd had enough. Not too bad.
I am getting my tarot cards read tomorrow. Then another reading on Saturday. And I made an appointment to sit with a psychic on Tuesday - that should be good. I'm going to ask if I have anything to hope for, if I should be doing anything or just sitting back and waiting - that kind of thing. I really want to know.
I am angry; but I do miss him. I am trying so hard to get through a week without any real contact, just to see how I feel. That would put me at Monday night; then my psychic appointment is on Tuesday, and he's not around then anyway. I'm hoping maybe after that, I'll have some peace of mind.
I'm also going to try and use this weekend to really see what I can do on my own. I've been looking for things that he and I might have done together; he'll likely avoid them, so I should be able to go and try and enjoy just being with me.
There's a part of me that wonders if this is all happening because I had invested too much of myself and was losing me again. I guess it's time to take charge of that - no matter what else happens.
Because sometimes you fall in love with your best friend and want to remind yourself why it's a terrible idea.