I'm still thinking of him. This morning on my way to work, all I could think about was how angry I am. Angry that he got my hopes up. Angry that he basically lied to me, led me on and gave me false hope.
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Mostly, I'm angry because I feel like I'm not enough.
If he truly likes everything about me, enjoyed all our time together and wanted to keep seeing me - why isn't that enough for him to try and make it work? Does that mean those are just lies, too? I know that's probably not fair of me - he has feelings and they are important. He has to be able to deal with them, and sort things out. Having me around hasn't helped so far, so it stands to reason it won't help now. He deserves to feel better, to move on and find happiness.
I suppose the lump in my throat is the truth: That if I was enough, and if this was meant to be, he probably wouldn't have let me walk away. I guess the truth really is hard to swallow sometimes.
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I am doing better. I spend less time thinking of him. I get nervous because when it first happened, we had a little contact. I guess I was hoping that would continue. It's not, really, and that's to be expected. I know that; I just don't like it.
I'm scared. I'm scared that this was the best I'll ever get, and it got ruined and there's nothing I can do. I'm scared that I don't deserve better, even though I try hard to improve myself and be considerate of others. I'm scared that I'm just not good enough.
As if that wasn't bad enough - yesterday, I was contacted by two guys via online profiles. One was brand new - I just emailed him back and said it looked like we wanted different things, and wished him luck. The other was a guy who I spoke to for months last year, he actually asked me out on a date right around this time last year - then I never heard from him. I'd already met the guy I'm trying to get over, so I never bothered to pursue anything. I didn't want to be rude, so I emailed him back, said I'd had a nice year, and made some short, email "small talk."
I'm not interested. Part of me can feel that I'm comparing others to this guy. It's brand-new, so that will go on for a while; but while I feel that way, dating is probably not the best idea. Also, I'm just afraid to be hurt.
We used to go to a local shop and listen to open mic acts on Thursday nights. I was considering going tonight, on my own. Part of me doesn't want to because I'm afraid I'll run into him; part of me likes that idea. Mostly, I'm thinking I need to do some of the things that he helped me discover on my own, so I don't lose the me I've been building for the last twelve months.