Well, he shared a blog post of mine with the twitter world, so I thanked him. No reason that should start a conversation, and it did not. I did not go looking for any other conversation today. I've also figured out a way to limit those thank-yous so that I am appropriately grateful - but not peeing all over his twitter profile. Which, in addition to being needy and self-destructive, is just plain rude and inconsiderate on my part.
Of course, it occurs to me that while we're not together, the feelings he did have are starting to fade. That makes me sad, but I keep reminding myself that if that happens - his feelings weren't real, and it wasn't meant to be. I'm still having a hard time with that.
It would have been easier if there had been a fight, or if he had flat out told me he had no feelings for me. But that's not what happened. This whole, "I still have feelings....I'm just confused....My life is better because you were in it....I'd like to keep seeing you" is tough to swallow. It makes the whole thing harder to understand, in addition to already being hard to take.
I wrote a great blog post today that was not about love, or relationships. It was about hope and self-confidence, but not anything that ties back to this situation. That felt good. I also got back to my day-to-day conversations with online friends, which also felt good.
In other great news, I was able to keep some food down, so I am going to the gym tonight. No plans tomorrow, but Friday after work, I'm going to have a friend read my tarot cards. Then Saturday, a different friend will do the same thing. Silly, I know - part of me believes in that stuff, part of me thinks it's all hokey. But - if I let it be true to me, it might give me some closure and some hope for the future, whether it's possible he'll be included or not.
That's all I want. Is to focus on myself, get back to the happy person I know I am - and get back to hoping for my future.
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