Love Cleanse - Day Two - October 6

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Love Cleanse - Day Two - October 6

I keep thinking about him, and us. Which is against the rules, I know - but what am I supposed to do?

I keep thinking about the things he said. "I like everything about you; we have fun together; I like spending time with you; I have feelings, I just can't commit; my life is better with you in it." He said all those things. All are exactly the way I feel. It makes me sad to think that we are two people, with the same feelings, who fit in so many ways - and it doesn't work? 

Then I get angry. He used me. He dated me, when he says he knew that even though he liked me, there was probably no future (he liked me but felt no "spark"). He did so to try and get over someone else. I'm angry because I feel like he led me on, and treated me poorly and I was good to him and deserved better. 

Then I feel bad. I let him set the pace, and we started spending a lot of time together because he would ask me to dinner, or to hang out or whatever. Then he did things for me to make feel more comfortable when I spent time at his apartment; he let me meet his parents; he brought me little gifts; he encouraged me to buy a bike so that I could bike with him, rather than just saying he wanted to go on his own (which would have been fine with me). I thought the signals were that he wanted me around; he's such an honest person, I didn't think an honest person could make that up - so I believed him. I acted on that; I made myself comfortable in his life; I was more open about the fact that we were seeing each other; and I introduced him to my family. I feel bad because, having misread his cues, I put him in some uncomfortable situations and made him give up some of his own time. I never would have done that had I known the truth.

Then I miss him. I miss the idea of doing stuff with him. Not because I need someone to do stuff; I can still go to the movies or out to eat or to a festival if I want, even if I'm on my own. But those things are more fun with him.

So, I guess the real test here is to focus on myself, and start seeing how those things play out. Is it really him that I miss? Or do I miss the idea of what he represented - someone fun to hang out with; a partner in crime? Maybe we really did run our course, and it is meant to be over. Maybe he came into my life to show me all the things I was missing out on; and to force me to learn to do them on my own.

Maybe that's my real love cleanse. To figure out what I really need, what I really want and who I'm really looking for.

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