Bachelor Pad: Where Brains Go To Die

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the bachelor pad
TV's Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoff pits dumb vs. dumber, much to our dismay.

Never have I yelled at a television more than on last night's parade of idiocy that is Bachelor Pad. Though it started off a tad slow with the requisite yelling, making out and hot tubbing that is to be expected in a mansion full of overly emotional cry babies (and I'm not even talking about the ladies), it quickly revved up to a full-blown drama fest.

ABC's Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoff pits past season cast-offs against each other; each vying to stick around the "Pad" the longest and win a cool $250,000. Roses serve as Survivor-like immunity icons, secured via successful dates and silly competitions, like last night's pie-eating contest. Contestants boot one guy and one girl at the end of each episode.

Though only episode two, the mansion's already split into two de facto teams. This isn't so bad if you're a hot-tub-lounging Cool Kid, an "Insider"—such as Elizabeth, Tenley and Natalie—and the Testosterone Triplets (Kiptyn, Dave, Kovacs) who love them.

If you're Krisily, Taylor, Gwen or Craig though, aka the "Outsiders" (how Ponyboy, right?), life isn't so rad in the mansion. While the Cool Kids are blatantly spreading transmissible diseases in hot tubs, these nerds are hanging on the bunk beds, eating their feelings. They might as well be trapped under a glass table at Jake Ryan's house for all the action they're getting. Oddly, the freak of genetic nature that is Gia is also a part of this group. In fact, she's the leader. Her wolf pack alliance is tight, and her swimsuit model I.Q. is leading this pack into battle.

After winning the pie-eating contest and probably being full for the first time her life, Gia plotted out her master plan to ensure that the Insiders would not reign supreme—even though they are hotter.

The Weatherman, Outsider Numero Uno, also wolfed down his pie and secured a rose. Gia then basically told him which girls to take on his date (ugly ones, yo!). He obliged, choosing Gwen, Taylor and Ashley, hoping to confirm their allegiance to the Outsiders' gang. I mean, really, Gwen has no choice, nor does Taylor. But Ashley was a harder sell, and pretty much lied to Weatherman's face by saying she was on his side. Rude! The 8 Bachelorette Castoffs We'd Most Like To Date

The biggest surprise of the first hour, though, came when Weatherman tried to woo Grannie Gwen. Sweet, yes, but she's old enough to be his cougar. A true sport, she played along, but made it clear that there was "not a chance" that she would hook up with everyone's favorite meteorologist. It looks like stormy skies ahead, buddy.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth, the "smart dumb girl," and her muscled gang of cool kids were theorizing about how to keep control of their hot tub. But instead, they all just made out and hooked up in showers. Go team!

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