Right now, I have about 45 different things I have to do before school starts. I have to practice driving for my driving test next week, clean my room, work on my AP Art homework, paint my basement, go for a run in preparation for the cross country season, write my college essay before I see my tutor tomorrow, work on my CommonApp for college applications... you name it, I probably have to do it. And, I have just 2 weeks to get everything done. Stressed is my first name and Out is my last.
Adding to all this, I'm trying to balance my relationship with my boyfriend, friends, and family. I don't have time for it all! I really don't know how to do it. My relationship with my boyfriend is more and more serious... he already told me he wants to be with me forever and we haven't even been going out for 5 months. I love him a lot, but I don't have the time for this commitment right now. Plus, if at just 4 and a half months he has already said he wants to be together forever... where does it go from there? "Forever" is at the top of the relationship ladder, and he decided to skip most of the steps.
The thing is- I said it back. I told him that I want to be with him forever, too. Because I had been thinking about it. I don't ever want to loose him in my life- he's my best friend. But, "forever" came too fast. Where do we go from here? Now we are at the top of this ladder and the only options we have now is to climb back down or jump off.
I chose to climb down.
Last night, we were supposed to just hang out. I was all showered, dressed, and ready to go when I got a text saying that he really wasn't feeling well and that he can't hang out. I got frustrated because of this. It was 815 at night.. and this is when he decides to tell me? I have so much I could be doing right now, but I dropped everything to see him. I told him that the next time he doesn't feel well it's ok if he doesn't want to go out, but it would be nice to know before I'm headed out the door. Should I have said this? I don't really know. Anyway, he said he felt bad and wanted to come pick me up. I told him not to, I was already changed and about to start working. Plus, he didn't feel well- he should stay home and get some rest! But, he kept on insisting. Finally, I cracked. I told him this relationship is too serious and we need to slow it down. I told him that I have so much to do, that I've basically lost most of my friends because I can't balance it all. I said some really bad things to him that hurt him a lot, and he started crying on the phone. That's when I realized what I had done- I said it all wrong. I meant to just tell him that I don't have time to see him every day and that I have to try to balance my life better, but I hurt his feelings in the process. I regret it all. I hope things can go back to the way they were. I immediately rush over to his house and try to explain everything to him and he said that he forgives me... but I don't know if he actually does. I hope it can just go back to the way it was because I do love him more than I could have ever imagined, we are the perfect fit for each other. I just hope that he really does forgive me. I don't know if it's bad that we are so serious so early in our relationship when we are so young, but I don't care anymore because I love him and would do anything for him and I hope he knows that.
I need help- I don't know how to tell him that I love him so much that I feel like I could be with him forever and that's what I want.. but without it sounding so serious. I just don't have the time for a relationship like that right now. Should I just try to balance it- no matter how hard it is? Because I love him enough to do that, but I know that I will never love anyone so much that I will risk my future to commit more time to them. I don't want to break up with him, I don't want him out of my life... I just need balance and I don't know how to tell him that. I really messed up last night and the message came across all wrong and I need help.