I have never written a blog and don't really know where to start I just felt the need to share. It has been a long road to recovery and love. The past was so full of heartache and uncertainty that I almost don't believe I made it through it.
Growing up choices in life were based on what would help me make it through and "survive". So many years like that that it's not surprising that mentality survived into my adult life and my first real relationship. I always did whatever I could to make sure he was happy. I pushed past my own boundaries just to keep his peace. It was safe that way. Now this is not me in any way bad mouthing my late husband, it was a choice I made to behave that way and to push myself and my own desires aside.
We were together for 9 1/2 years when he passed away but the marriage, in most ways, was over long before he passed. I don't believe we ever truly and completely trusted each other and we both had such vastly different goals in life and love that we just were not a good match. Polar opposites, you might say. We weren't a good fit for each other but I still believe we both needed what the other could provide at the time. And that would have been fine if when it became apparent we were so different we had just cut our losses but we didn't. We were both searching in each other for something that didn't exist in the other. We clung to each other for dear life.Months turned into years as they tend to do. We became comfortable in our uncertainty and neither was ever willing to change it. Well, maybe we were, we just never knew how.
When he passed it was one of those things where, yes I was heartbroken, but I also knew he was better off now. God rest his soul, maybe life didn't hurt him anymore.
I had done most if not all of the mourning and healing for and from our marriage while he was still here. So after a somewhat brief but complete grieving period for my friend I decided it was time for me. I didn't know how but I was going to figure out what it was like to live for me.
I was dazed for quite a while. I had so many questions and so much uncertainty. How do I focus on myself? What do I even want out of life? The first version of my dream was over and now I had to figure out what I was going to keep from the "old me" to blend with my re-invented me.
I decided the biggest thing that I wanted out of life was to be happy. And I figured because I had not been able to achieve ultimate happiness before the only way to do it now was to change my every way of thinking and my every way of acting. Oh, sure, I would keep my beliefs and values in place but I had to change how I was to achieve different results.
I broke out of my comfort zones, but this time for me. And you know what ended up happening? I finally love who I am. I am proud of myself, my accomplishments and my general "survival". And to make it even better as soon as I started trying to do for me and stopped trying to find something in men that wasn't even there... A wonderful man found me.
I met Thomas and just knew he would be an important person in my life, I knew he would make a big impact. I didn't know it would be that big!
I found the love of my life!
He's my best friend and everything you ever think you should have when daydreaming about "the one". Then he is also so much more. He is not perfect and that is very important to me. No one is perfect so if you ever run across someone who is you have to wonder what are they hiding. There are some things, some of his quirks that drive me absolutely batty and then he melts my heart and makes my soul smile. He is just amazing.
He helps to bring a side of me out that I didn't even know was there. I'm letting go of old fears and trying new things in life. I am so glad I decided to venture outside my comfort zone for me. Not just as far as my relationship with Thomas but also my own personal relationship with myself. I am a much more well rounded person WITHOUT him factored in... He is the icing on the cake. He's my companion and someone who will go hand in hand on this journey WITH me.
Someone I can confide in that wants to confide in me. No judgments. We share our hopes and dreams and we drive each other crazy sometimes. But at the end of the night we lay close to each other with his arm around me and me holding his hand. The world melts away and for a moment it is just us. It is an amazing sense of love, security and peace. The troubles of the day fade away as he softly kisses the back of my neck and we both whisper "I love you". I think I did pretty well for myself in choosing myself. When I did that I found the one thing I always wanted. A true and honest love, strong and full of faith. Faith in myself and him and us. I'm glad I chose me because when I did I got him.
For anyone that decides to read this that is really the only thing you ever need to do in life and the only choice you have to make. Do for yourself and choose yourself. Everything else will follow when it is ready.