FDA Says Coffee Not An Aphrodisiac
By Tom Miller. Posted on .
Straight from the No-Doy files comes a bombshell from the FDA. According to Time, the Food And Drug Administration has declared that coffee is not an aphrodisiac. While the FDA has Winnie the pooh-poohed the idea of aphrodisiacs for years, this time around they're saying that Magic Power Coffee may actually be a touch dangerous.
Magic Power Coffee—an herbal mixture and "the world's first passion coffee"—could possibly cause possibly dangerous blood pressure drops. Frankly, the company's marketing crew should have rethought the entire operation. No one I know thinks "sexy" when they think about coffee. Most of us think jitters, stained teeth and epically upset stomachs. Sure, perpetually-on-edge can be fun, and there is a very select group of people who appreciate watery bowels, but no one likes yucky chompers (in fact Yahoo! has a story about a man who got jacked by a hooker after he got turned off by her grill).
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In the future, the FDA will in all likelihood tell anyone who will listen that aphrodisiacs aren't real, but that you can win the hearts and minds of the purchasing public by creating a product that actually sounds sexy. Although, given that people believe oysters are aphrodisiacs, I'm thinking that you actually have to gross it up for people to believe. Like when you tell a very unlikely story, you always have to throw in something unflattering about yourself so people believe it. Like that time I hooked up with three supermodels but only met them because I peed my pants and had to buy a new pair at Gap. No Such Thing As An Aphrodisiac? Nonsense.
In summary, be careful with aphrodisiac claims, and consult a doctor before combining medications. Also, if you have a product that's supposed to turn people on, please don't make it something very unsexy like boogers that increase lubrication.
