Beware of These Guys - Part I

Beware of These Guys - Part I

Beware of These Guys - Part I

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Note: Don't forget to follow my journey on my personal blog, So about what I said...

They say a good man is hard to find. So, then, naturally, by that logic, a great, wonderful, awesome, (perfect?) man must be impossible to find.

But have no fear; there’s an ever-fresh, free-flowing supply of not-so-good guys and a two-for-one deal on downright bad guys. The bad guys are like those products on those late-night infomercials: they’re everywhere, look perfect from the outside and promise to make your life easier, and then two weeks later, you look at the pathetic thing and think, “Geez, talk about false advertising.”

If only these sorts of guys could wear some sort of sign like “As seen on TV” or a come with a return policy, then at least we’d have a fighting chance to escape their clutches.

Oh wait, here’s a better idea: We should never get involved with them in the first place. And so, to save you the hassle of not being able to return him without a receipt, I offer the best of the worst: the Top Ten Guys To Avoid (aka, Run, Run For Your Life). These are in no particular order – it’s just all bad. Check out part II next week.  

The Playboy
Oh, the classic model, from which all other bad boys were born. This guy is slick. He’s a charmer. He knows all his stuff. He’s learned all the rules of the game and has mastered it. He knows all the right things to say, has an incredible knack for remembering important factoids about you and you just love his notion of ‘staying in the moment.’

The only problem? He’s doing that – and plenty of other things, I’m sure – with at least two, maybe three more women. Start paying more attention to the details behind the subtext. Does he plan dates a few days in advance and has an aversion to spontaneity? Is he mysteriously shady about what he does when you two aren’t cuddling. Does he clutch his cell phone at all times, never leaving it unattended? If he loves his cell phone more than you, who’s really the one being unattended to here? But he said, “I want to change for you, Susan,” did he? FYI: He most likely said the exact same phrase two Susans ago.

The Friend
I’m not putting this guy on the list because he’s bad – quite the contrary, actually. He’s one of the good ones, one of those rare gems that come around only one in a lifetime if you’re lucky. That, my friends, is the reason you must work your hardest to keep your friendship strictly, well, a friendship. Being friends is a nice place to be – like the calming poppy field scene from The Wizard of Oz. If you try taking that same high feeling to a possible boyfriend status – or even to the bedroom – I claim zero liability for the injuries you’ll receive from stepping on that mine field. Just watch When Harry Met Sally. Or, if you came of age during the glorious ‘90s, just watch a few episodes of Dawson’s Creek, back in the days when Katie Holmes was brainwashed by Dawson’s charms instead of Tom’s. Male/female friendships simply don’t transfer well to the romantic level. Ever. In fact, I only know of one example where the friendship stayed strictly platonic. My mother has been BFFs with her childhood next door neighbor Bill for almost 45 years; there’s never been anything other than friendship between them. Well, as far as I know anyway…

Mr. Cling
Oy, this guy is worse than a Bounce fabric softener sheet. We women do love attentive men; what we don’t love is the oppressive men. Ask yourself the following questions: Is he needy? Is he always right behind you and wants to go everywhere with you? Does he text/call/IM/send smoke signals to let you know he’s having lunch and thinking of you? Did he say “I love you” on the third date?

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve got a certifiable clinger on your hands.

It’s just too much, frankly. And we all know what too much together time breeds: a lifetime of alone time. After all, you don’t want to go through a lifelong, swirling, passionate romance in three weeks. Don’t wear yourself out here. What if you end up being together for five years? That could seem like an eternity if all the sparks have petered out already. There’s something to be said for taking it slow, and if Mr. Cling is stuck on the speed cycle, it’s time to get off the ride.

Another way of looking at it: He’s the male version of some females in relationships. Would you want to date you? My point exactly.

Mr. Bling
Sure, this guy’s flashy. He has high tastes and nice things: Armani suits, more than one shiny Cadillac, two summer homes in the Hamptons and more man jewelry than the BeeGees. But beyond that? There’s nothing. He’s all flash and pizzazz, yet there’s no substance, no real meat on which to build a relationship. Bottom line: This guy is more about showing himself off than showing YOU off. My advice is to steal some of his bling and get out of that scene. Fast.

The Lifeguard
This one is meant as more of a warning for the younger ladies out there. Fawning over the lifeguard is never a game you can win. This guy is easy on the eyes: tall, handsome, overtly sexy and a toned body complete with ripped abs you could fry an egg on in the hot summer sun. But sadly, summer has to come to an end eventually, and more often than not, that’ll also mark the end of your time with Lovely Lifeguard. Trust me, I’ve played more times than I care to admit publicly. When I was 16, I fell head over heels for the lifeguard at the local pool. He was one of those blonde-haired tan-skinned types, but what really hooked my hormones was the fact that he moonlighted as a male (NUDE) model. Yup, that one didn’t go over too well with my father, even though my entire relationship with Nudy Lifeguard consisted of me hiding behind the ledge of the pool and spying on him in a futile attempt to make eye contact while the July sun formed sweet sweat beads down his chiseled face. On second thought…no, this one is still a bad idea.

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