Did Al Gore Really Sexually Assault A Masseuse?

Somewhere in a safe deposit box lies evidence* that former Vice-President Al Gore is a "crazed sex poodle." The items? A chocolate bar with his fingerprints and a pair of pants with his, uh, man fluid. (Purportedly).

Ahh, the separation from Tipper is now making sense: That sex scandal that The National Enquirer first reported? Well, the Gore team isn't denying it. And my oh my are the details juicy... and sloppy... and chocolate-y. Did Al Gore Cheat On Tipper?

RadarOnline.com has obtained a 73-page investigative report conducted by the Portland Police Bureau in 2009 into a massage therapist's complaint that the the Nobel Peace Prize winning environmental activist made inappropriate sexual advances toward her at a hotel in Portland, Oregon in October, 2006. 4 Theories About The Al And Tipper Gore Divorce

If you have a strong stomach, make sure to check it out in its sad sack entirety, but for now, here are our favorite bits:

The "Call Me Al" Hug:

On her arrival at Portland's up-market Hotel Lucia, she claimed the ex-Veep introduced himself by saying, "Call me Al."
He stretched out his arms to wrap her into an embrace before purposefully dimming the lights, the woman told police.

"It was apparent from the beginning he had been drinking," she claimed.

"The hug went on a bit too long and I was a bit taken aback by it. If it weren't Al Gore I would have seriously questioned the situation right there because a hug from an unknown male client before a session is a bit odd and unprofessional."

The Upper Thigh Massage:

According to her account, Gore said he wanted his adductor (a large triangular muscle situated on the medial side of the thigh) worked on, and she knew that was a warning sign.

"I was taught that a massage of the adductors could cause an involuntary erection," she said, later, for some reason, adding, "I even voted for him in the last election, although in truth I was more accurately voting against Bush."

She said, "When I began doing the requested abdominal area he became vocal with muffled moans, etc.

"He began demanding that I go lower and massaging on the abdominal area. I was shocked. He further insisted and acted angry, becoming verbally sharp and loud. I went into much deeper shock as I realized it appeared he was demanding sexual favors."

Pleading for the release of his second chakra:

The woman said his behavior was angry and described that she felt like she was dancing "on the edge of a razor." "He bellowed at me... just scared the (bleep) out of me," she said. "He was moaning, groaning, moving in a very suggestive way."