Name: fire_sign | | Location: Baltimore , MD. |Question: Is honesty always the best policy?
I'm 47, but I look much younger and I find that the men that catch my eye are younger too (and no I'm talking cougar here), just in the neighborhood of 5 or so years younger. Now I'm not the type to lie about my age, but I've come to realize that those younger guys that might actually be interested in meeting me, never see my dating profile because my age automatically omits me from their searches. So I can't help but wonder, would lowering my age in my profile be such a bad thing?
Of course, were a mutual interest, I would certainly be up front about it right away, but I'm really having a hard time dealing with this dilemma. What's an old girl trapped in a young girls body to do? |Age: 47
Personally, I don't have a problem with lowering your age a bit (no more than 5 years) to be included in searches. I think they best way to do this is to change the age on your profile settings, but to put a disclaimer right at the top of the body of your profile stating your real age.
Now, let's say this isn't how you choose to do it. Fine. The question then becomes, "How and when do I tell them my real age?"
Some people choose to do it in the email exchanges. They hope that, once the person "gets to know them" (as much as you can get to know someone via email), then they won't care how old they are.
Others wait until the date itself. Listen, lots of people fudge on their resume a bit. This is kind of the same thing. You just want to get to the interview so you can wow them. But revealing the truth? That's the tricky part. The longer you go without telling someone, the more you risk looking like you were intentionally trying to mislead them or waste their time. It's not fair to allow someone to believe something, especially when they're spending their time and money on you.
The worst is when you've met someone and set up a date, but never discussed age. I've had this happen twice in the past few months. We met at a party or a bar, we went for dinner and drinks, and the whole time I'm wondering two things: how old are they and how old do they think I am? I'm 41, an age where I think it's only fair to be up front about it right away. If a man in his late thirties is looking to have kids, I'm probably not the ideal candidate for him. (That's another point. What if you don't want kids? How soon do you tell a prospective candidate?) Everybody, I think, has a 3-5 year range in which they could easily fit. Meaning a 39 year old could say they're 37 and nobody would know. Yet those two years make a HUGE difference when it comes to dating.
In both instances, I asked my date how old they were about mid-way through. One was 39, one was 30. Had I known the second one was 30 I probably never would have accepted the date.
It's a weird question to work in to a conversation, isn't it? But, then, dating seems to be a string of awkward questions. At 25 or 30 there were just a couple to ask, the big one being "Where is this going?" As you get older that list grows.
How old are you? Have you ever been married? Do you want kids? Have you been tested? Do you have a condom? Where is this going?
There's just so much more to consider now, and a lot less time to do so. Especially when you don't have that cushion of a few years to decide what you want, as in kids or marriage. Someone could dump a person by lunch and have a date for dinner these days thanks to social media and online dating.
It's that window of opportunity thing we've discussed.
You have to make it work for you as best you can. Sometimes that means putting a younger age on your dating profile. Other times it means waiting until the end of the date to reveal your age (and be ready to ante up your half of the check just in case he gets upset.) Or it means ripping the band aid off quickly so you can get the tough conversations out of the way to either enjoy your time with this person or have more time to dust yourself off and find someone else. Remember, the lie (even a lie of omission) affects you, too. You want to optimize your time and your options as well. That involves two things. One, accept your age for what it is. And two, focusing on and attracting people who are more likely not to care about your real age.
P.S? I need new questions for the column!!!!!
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