This week's issue of Us Weekly chronicles the increasingly paranoid and crazy life led by Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, as revealed on The Hills and in Spencer's would-be-funny-if-they-weren't-so-insane rants. "I don't let [Heidi] go on TV, no computers," Spencer told Kristen Cavallari on The Hills, according to the magazine. "The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray and pet puppies... She is logged out of The Matrix." This comes on the heels of Heidi getting a restraining order against her own mother, so at this point we can't tell if this is all elaborate performance art, in manner of The Joaquin Phoenix Experiment, or if Spencer is indeed as bananas as he seems.
Even if you don't watch The Hills (and we don't; we hate to watch people chew contemplatively, but we do watch The Soup), you're probably aware of The Speidi Problem. To wit, a woman who would like to become a Barbie doll and a maniacal screamer with a creepy flesh-colored beard piggybacked on a friend to get themselves on TV, decided that the best way to be on TV more was to be the villains, got married like seven times, and now are coming to the end of their TV contracts so they've decided to go ape-crap crazy in a desperate attempt to hold onto the public's attention and convince club promoters they should pay them to show up places. Does that cover it? 7 Worst Couples of 2009