Heidi Montag is a prisoner in her own home, Spencer brags to friends.
This week's issue of Us Weekly chronicles the increasingly paranoid and crazy life led by Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, as revealed on The Hills and in Spencer's would-be-funny-if-they-weren't-so-insane rants. "I don't let [Heidi] go on TV, no computers," Spencer told Kristen Cavallari on The Hills, according to the magazine. "The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray and pet puppies... She is logged out of The Matrix." This comes on the heels of Heidi getting a restraining order against her own mother, so at this point we can't tell if this is all elaborate performance art, in manner of The Joaquin Phoenix Experiment, or if Spencer is indeed as bananas as he seems.
Even if you don't watch The Hills (and we don't; we hate to watch people chew contemplatively, but we do watch The Soup), you're probably aware of The Speidi Problem. To wit, a woman who would like to become a Barbie doll and a maniacal screamer with a creepy flesh-colored beard piggybacked on a friend to get themselves on TV, decided that the best way to be on TV more was to be the villains, got married like seven times, and now are coming to the end of their TV contracts so they've decided to go ape-crap crazy in a desperate attempt to hold onto the public's attention and convince club promoters they should pay them to show up places. Does that cover it? 7 Worst Couples of 2009
We've never been particularly invested or even interested in what Spencer and Heidi do, but they've become rather omnipresent lately, starting with their shrieking meltdowns on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here last year (a TV title we can only assume is, like Dancing With the Stars, meant ironically), continuing through Heidi's massive plastic surgery binge and now concluding (maybe?) with Spencer's mad tirades about Heidi and her mother. Spencer and Heidi: Make It Stop
Honestly, we can't tell if they're just doing this for attention. It seems unlikely that Heidi would completely maim herself just to be on television, although stranger things have happened. (Weirdly, we keep being reminded of the movie version of Get Smart from a few years ago, in which Anne Hathaway's character has had a load of plastic surgery to maintain her cover as a secret agent and says wistfully to Steve Carell's Maxwell Smart, "I used to look like my mom." And she was sad about that, because she was not a robot primarily composed of saline and Botox.) There's something pitiful about the raging insecurities Heidi puts on display and the way that Spencer is so gleefully open about isolating her from her friends and family. Is it possible that he's a total psychopath operating with the complete approval of MTV and millions of Hills viewers? 6 Men We'd Enroll In Tool Academy
Via Us Weekly. Photo of Spencer and Heidi's old face via Bauer-Griffin.