I used to be a shy little girl. Before being molested, I did not even know what sex was. I never imagined that a man of 60 years would actually find me attractive. He was the husband of a family friend. A woman with absolutely no backbone. Every single one of her daughters and granddaughters were all molested and raped by this horrid man. thankfully i was never actually raped. But naturally I was dramatized. Nightmare after nightmare. I could not sleep. I was always on edge, I ripped out my hair and scratched myself.
One day I went up to my mother in tears. I told her what this horrid man did to me. She told me to get over it. It happens sometimes. Trust me. I tried to suppress it. I had nightmares and was too nervous to sleep. I called my mom when I could not sleep. She hit me because i would not let her sleep.
What is worse? Being molested or receiving said treatment by your own mother? I wish i could answer that question myself. She denies it now. As much as I try I cannot help the hatred i have towards her. It has been ages I have told her i loved her, but I choke on those words. At least when I think of her.
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I have hated men for years and myself. Somewhere in my heart I felt i was asking for it. But why would an 8 year old child want that? I still have not been able to be comfortable with my sexuality. I have loved this man for a while and I cannot even kiss him. I still feel so ashamed.