Originially published on As We Write It
Somewhere between the point where it ended and that point in my life where I knew I had to leave New Jersey, Sasha dragged me to Atlantic City. We walked around, we talked, we saw a fortune teller. Who in five minutes looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me that no one deserves to be as heart broken as I was. She took my hand and told me about my Bad Love...about Matt, only she referred to him as a soul mate connection and that that love had changed me forever. She foretold my life for the next year - the move, the friend that ultimately betrayed me, everything. It was pretty creepy and spot-on.
I was thinking about that today because she had given me a stone to sleep on, telling me that it would take away the sadness. I thought she was crazy, but she read me so well I figured that it couldn't hurt. For three nights, I slept with it under my pillow and surprisingly, I did begin to feel better afterward. I still think it was more power of suggestion as opposed to anything else, but you never know.
I found the stone today as I have been trying to organize my life and unburden myself of stuff that I don't need. I saw it and it took me back to that point of my life. That year where everything I knew changed. Tom and I had broken up. My Meghan had died and six months later, I watched my great aunt die from cancer as well. It was a really hard time. On top of that all, I was graduating college which is a big thing when you've been a student your entire life. It's big, scary and actually something that really brought a depression on once my degree was in hand.
And while all of it was going on, I had begun talking to Matt. We talked pretty much every night for months and then we saw each other again and it was a whirlwind of craziness. I had never felt for another person what I felt for him. It was intense and passionate from the very beginning. It scared me, because I knew those kinds of feelings give someone a great deal of power over you. And with him, the rules were often a double standard and changed a lot. However, I was invested, I was in it and because of that, I not only knew that my life with him was going to be very limited, but I also knew at one point it would meet an end.
I just wasn't ready for how it ended. How by the end of it, there were so many other people in the middle of our relationship or how the person that I truly came to love, could one day look at me and say "well I never loved you." Stuff like that should really kill you instantly. It surprises me how I did manage to survive that.
Somehow I did. Somehow I found the strength to cut him out, to remove myself from him who, for whatever reason, still wanted to remain in my life in some weird way. At first, I was so broken and hurt that I did not know which way was up. There were several months where I didn't eat, didn't leave the house except for work and secluded myself from just about everyone except from people that really didn't know me. That's the beauty of acquaintances, they are not comfortable enough with you to call you out on your shit.