I'm Grossed Out By My Guy


Woman making a face while man smiles
She wanted to keep it casual, but he's focused on the future.

When I asked my current boyfriend out, I was very clear to explain that I wanted something casual and certainly not monogamous. But somehow, he now thinks that we are a monogamous couple and is planning our future together. He keeps planning for events I don't want to attend and talking as if we will always be together. He has become repulsive to me and I no longer feel that I want to be in a sexual/close emotional relationship with him but at the same time want to keep him as a friend. With that said, I am currently looking to pursue others outside of my boyfriend, more specifically someone of the same gender. Another complicating factor is that he and I volunteer for the same organization and within the same department, which means I need things to go amicably whether it be a relationship restructure or moving on. How do I get him to understand that we both feel differently about this relationship and its future and do so in a way that will not make it uncomfortable to work together in our volunteer work? Should this be the end? Is moving back to friends a possibility?

—Romantically Doomed and Challenged


Yes, this should most definitely be the end, and no, moving back to being friends probably isn't a possibility—at least, not right away. I'm not sure where or why there was miscommunication, but obviously somewhere along the way, your signals got crossed. As soon as your boyfriend showed signs of being more committed or invested in the relationship than you were prepared to be, you should have alerted him to how you were feeling. But it sounds like rather than speak up, you let him continue thinking there was more between you two than there actually was ... to the point of you being repulsed by him. I don't think we're talking about a couple days of miscommunication here. If you're repulsed, I'd imagine this has been going on for quite some time. Which is why you're going to be hard-pressed to seamlessly move into a drama-free friendship with the guy after you break his heart. The Frisky: Does Your Real-Life Lover Live Up To Your Dream Partner?

But make no mistake about it, you do have to end things with him—for both your sakes. But I would end it with an apology. Apologize for leading him on, for one thing, and for being unclear about what you wanted from him. And then explain to him that part of your murkiness was because you weren't entirely clear yourself what you were looking for and it's only been very recently that you've realized you are perhaps more interested in dating women than men. I can't promise he'll accept that or even buy it, but if you're honest and genuine (and apologetic) about where you're coming from, at least you'll have a clear conscience.

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