Merry Christmas, you Ho, Ho, Ho! You've been a very bad girl!

Merry Christmas, you Ho, Ho, Ho! You've been a very bad girl!

Merry Christmas, you Ho, Ho, Ho! You've been a very bad girl!

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General advice on relationships, work, life in general and training your "dawg" to be obedient.

     One would tend to think that with the holiday's looming ahead, this would be the perfect time to spread some holiday cheer.  Yeah, right!  Too bad the majority of posts I read today are filled with enough bedlem to make the Pope want to fire up a doobie, or at least relax to the secondhand smokey fragrance of it!  The intention of my ramblings is not to confuse, enflame, humiliate, anger, or upset any reader but to spread knowledge and experience in a humorous way, which may confuse, enflame, humiliate, anger and upset a reader or two along the way.  Oh, well.  You can't please everyone!

     I'm going to start off with a posting from a broken hearted gentlemen I gave some advice to this week.  This young man had lost his love to the debauchery of masculine wiles in Brooks Brothers suits, India ink, penny loafers and chinos!  He was, and still is, heartbroken that his "lady love', and I say lady only very mildly, has chosen to play "hide the salami" with various other men, some of whom he is aquainted with, and was reaching out to anyone who would lend and ear.  It just so happened that my ear was available for some bending so I read his post, felt his pain, immediately knew where his mistakes were, and pointed them out in as polite a manner as only I could, and pressed the post button.  I was surprised that he took my advise so well.  Even thanking me for it.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..." 

 

Sorry.  I got lost in my own self indulging thoughts for a moment...back to the post. 

    What I'm leading to is this, "Ladies!  If you're going to act like a Ho, don't be surprised when you get treated like a Ho!"  I'm speaking to the women who are genuinely shocked when a guy doesn't call them back AFTER they've put out!  What, did you think he wanted to buy the cow after you gave him the milk for free?  You may have convinced yourself you were giving him Grade A pastuerized whole milk, but HE thought it was scummy, skanky buttermilk that flies wouldn't touch.  And now that same guy feels like he needs to fumigate his bed because your funk is still in it!  Real men don't date public ho's!  They hit it in the dark, leave some bills and put you out or drop you off afterwards.  Or if you're a high-class ho, they cough up some bills, hit it in the light with the video recorder on, and then tell you to call a cab!  Is that the way you really want to be treated?  If not, then why would you treat someone else that way?  There are ways to break up with someone and ways to avoid and honey, telling a man you just want to be friends but still meeting him for dinner, daytime outings, and THEN hooking up with other men you met while with him and telling him about it, just ain't the way to do it!! 

   I don't want any late night phone calls or weepy e-mails whining that you can't believe your ex-boyfriend won't return your calls after you dumped him with the, "I just want to be friends" speech.  I don't want to hear that you are shocked this same guy won't talk to you after you hooked up with his business partner, his drinking buddy, some artsy-fartsy type you met at a bar, or the refrigerator repairman!  I don't want to look at your tear-stained face and listen in between sobs that you can't believe he won't forgive you, that you made a simple mistake and he's treating you like you killed his dog!  Well, yeah, he IS going to treat you that way, you DID just kill his "dawg"!  Girl, he thought YOU were his "dawg"!  You could not hurt him any more than if you had just shot, killed and barbequed Fluffy right in front of him.  What you did was not only break a man's heart but made sure you lost a friend in the process.

   Ladies, if you want to be a pimp with the gentlemen, you have to learn to act like a pimp!  I don't mean you start calling them your bitches and ho's.  I mean you learn to balance what you want with what they need and handle them with kid gloves.  You have to learn to stroke a man's ego.  Ego is a man's BIGGEST attribute, regardless of what his feet and hands may say!  You want to be attentive but not too attentive.  He has a mother and he doesn't need you to be another mother. 

   What every man needs is a lady in public and a whore in bed!  I mean, climb the walls, hair-pulling, screeching monkey-sex behind closed doors but when you're out in public, sweet, articulate, polite with legs crossed and a quiet tongue.  Not some screaming, cussing, hissy-fit throwing banshee or some sneaky, devious dime-a-dozen slut passing your number out to other men.  Honey, the streets are full of trash like that, no need to lower yourself to that level, unless you like being on that level. 

   You need to handle your business at home first, then handle your business on the streets!  If you don't want to be in a relationship with the man you are currently dating, then let him down gently.  There is going to be some heartache, that's par for the course, but it will be lessened if you let the man down with tact, grace and humility.  Be honest but not brutely honest!  Tell him that while you adore him and that while you love all the attention he's given and the time he's spent with you will be forever cherished, you find yourself in a different place than he does and that you need to be free of the relationship for a while.  Let him know that he is still special to you but you feel that the two of you are spending too much time together and in doing so, the lines of the relationship are beginning to blur and you need to take a step back before one of you gets hurt.  Be careful with your tone of voice.  It says more than the words coming out of your mouth at times.  (Kid gloves, remember!) 

   Friends with a man is NOT the same as a girlfriend!  Remember this!  A male friend doesn't want to know who you hooked up with, what kind of car he has, his job, how much money he makes, where he took you, blah, blah, blah.  Not unless he's either A) gay, B) sadistic, or C) both.  Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because he fell for the old "let's be friend's" line of b.s. that his feelings for you have suddenly turned off and it's OK to talk about other men.  It's NEVER OK to talk about other men, unless that man is your Dad, brother, or other family member.  It's only cool to talk about another man if it's a man you have not or are not having sex with, dating, texting, sexting, or emailing on a regular basis.  Including your boss! 

   You can give up the fantasy that you will remain 'close friends' once you break up too.  That's not going to happen.  See, it takes a lot for a man to invest the amount of time and attention required to please just one woman.  That means he is having to give up some little part of himself in order to make you happy.  Why?  Because we women demand compromise, that's why!  We demand equal treatment, equal time, equal attention and in getting it we begin to forget what it takes for our man to do this.  It takes a lot and I mean a lot!  Men don't want to pour their hearts into one woman.  They want to spread it out, among a bevy of beauties in an effort to avoid the heartache you have just sentenced him to! 

   My last piece of advise for you ho's is just this: Never, EVER belittle a man just to make him hurt like you hurt for being called out on your b.s.!  It's demeaning, it's cruel, it's low class-ghetto-white-trailer park-trashy to do so.  If you want strong, independent, ambitious men willing to not only take care of you and treat you like the Queen Pimp you are, then you have to know how to treat them as the King's they deserve to be! 

I'm out!

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