We all want to be loved but not at our expense.
Recently I had a match that just got to me...or should I say, I let him get to me. He was funny, sensual and had this artistic endeavor that just made me REALLY want to get to know him. He seemed very focused on sex whereas I was focused on creating that deep connection through talking and meeting and getting to know each other, you know, the adult stuff. Our emails were interesting and we really touched on the more serious subjects but again sex was his constant topic.
Recently I had a match that just got to me...or should I say, I let him get to me. He was funny, sensual and had this artistic endeavor that just made me REALLY want to get to know him. He seemed very focused on sex whereas I was focused on creating that deep connection through talking and meeting and getting to know each other, you know, the adult stuff. Our emails were interesting and we really touched on the more serious subjects but again sex was his constant topic. Then one night I shared with him a little more about me, my history on our chat and the next thing I knew he logged off.
I didn't feel hurt immediately. To be honest, it started with numbness, then confusion then realization, then tears. I confronted him about it the next day and he shared his baggage. That was when I realized, I was talking to a teenager in the body of a man masquerading as an adult. Needless to say, that weekend sucked for me. I was in tears because here I was sharing with someone, someone I had liked and really wanted to get to know and it was shutdown so suddenly. He didn't even have the courage to give me a reason UNTIL I wrote to ask why. I almost chided him on his "Fearless" nickname but I decided, "Why bother?"
Felt like crap for a couple of days but then I read something that just put a whole different perspective on things. Basically, I got overly attached because I really want to have the experience of love in my life and met someone who is as close as I have ever come. The fact that he was a near-miss just made it hurt even more because I saw us getting to know each other so well and just felt like things could develop; that love was actually a possibility.
How do you recover from that? The answer is Forgiveness. I had to forgive myself for believing in someone who was just plain unworthy. had to forgive myself for not listening to those little alerts and opening up to someone who was only interested in something far more shallow than what I am looking for. When I looked back, there were signs that I had ignored because I wanted my search to finally be over and for it to be him. When I realized I had to just forgive myself, he became less relevant and I felt so much better but still had a lot of doubt.
It seemed that I would find these matches that were interesting and then my communication would fall into the abyss. I really thought there was something wrong with me because really, I know I'm a whole person but when you keep meeting guys who are not for you, you start to question whether there is really someone for you.
Well, here's the thing: Their lack of communication with me isn't really about me. If I open myself up and they choose to not reciprocate, it's about them. It's not my function to contemplate and come up with some reason why he isn't writing back to me. That's where we women get into trouble. We start to think we're not smart enough, attractive enough, fun enough, ??? enough and then we try to be someone we're not to attract anyone who's looking.
I'm getting off that hamster wheel. The reasons are endless as to why he chose not to reciprocate communication and it's not my job to figure them out. Besides, I can't afford to go crazy right now trying to figure out the exact reason why or why not. That's wasted energy I can't get back and I have a life to live.
So on Thanksgiving Day I decided that I was going to just be grateful that I have people who give a damn about me (including me), that I have my health, that I am comfortable enough with me to not try to be someone else, that I have a great capacity to share and be vulnerable and to laugh, that I have my solitude which allows me to enjoy being by myself watching Netflix or reading a book or listening to music, and so on. I promised myself that in January I would take this sensual dance class I have been wanting to do because while I have a brain, my sensuality is a very important part of me that I need to enjoy. I'm going to just live my life while doing the online dating thing.
Don't know what the future holds and I still have some doubt but I think it's good that I support myself, nurture myself, and take care of myself because I'm just as important with or without someone by my side despite what society would have me believe. I also decided to allow myself to get frustrated, get disappointed and discouraged if that's what I feel because for me to deny those feelings means trouble. You start to stuff your feelings down, the next thing you know you're 1000 pounds and the only way to get you out of your apartment is with a crane! Like I said, I can't afford to go crazy right now so it's just good that I take this day by day.
Then a funny thing happened. When I decided to make those promises to myself, then I saw this quote on someone's FB page:
"Everything you are seeking are seeking you in return. Therefore, everything you want is already yours. So, you don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." - Bob Proctor
Ladydi748 (D. Dixon)