Where I Am Now

    Ok here we go.  Where do I begin?  I assume you want all the gory details.  Well they're not that gory, they're just messy.  
    For 20 years, I never had a hint of romance or flirtation.  Well maybe some flirtation, but none that really went anywhere.  Coming off of summer break and the beginning of my junior year in college, I meet a guy at a party.  He is soooo cute.  I find him during the party staring at me.  We talk a little, play a little beer pong, talk about our same interests in music.  Towards the end of the night I see him lying on the air bed.  I lie down next to him.  He whispers, "Hey cutie."  I can't resist it.  I kiss him.  He kisses back!  I am in love with the moment.  We make out in the bathroom.  When it starts to get intense, he stops and says, "I have to tell you something..."  I knew what he was going to say.  "I have a girlfriend.  And I feel like I'm cheating on her."  Awkward pause.  In my mind I wanted to tell him "You just did."  And by the way, he did.  
    
    Many more lonely months pass by.  During winter break, I meet someone online.  Also very cute.  We have the same interests.  I am away spending winter break at home and we just text for about a month.  During that time we grow a relationship.  He says that as soon as I get back we're going on a date.  He says either mini-golf or bowling.  I choose bowling.  We learn a lot about each other.  He knows I'm a virgin and is understanding.  Meaning that he doesn't think it's weird that I'm a 20-year old virgin.  I had always thought it was weird.  The texts turn sexual.  Honestly, I like it.  They make me feel sexy.  I come back from winter break and found that he broke his leg.  He becomes more distant.  I ask him when would be a good time for us to actually meet.  He says that he doesn't know if he can date me because he can't afford it because of his leg surgery.  I tell him I still want to meet.  This is where I get stupid.  In my desperation for a relationship (and maybe for sex) I agree to a "fun buddy" relationship.  All in all, it doesn't work out.  We had sex twice, both unsatisfactory and short.  He ends it through text message.  I hate him for it because I was planning to end it in person, but he gives me many excuses so that I don't see him.  He lies (or I suspect) about going to Pittsburgh for a month because his grandmother died.  If he did lie I would hate him because my grandmother just passed away and I wouldn't appreciate someone lying about that like it's ok to lie about.  He says we want to be friends.  So that's what we are... "friends".