A broken heart sucks. Even those of us with the strongest of wills have at some point learned that getting over somebody can be a painful and arduous process. So the notion of a definitive guide for achieving a clear mind and healthy heart after a failed relationship or rejection by the opposite sex might seem absurd.
The goal of this piece is to show how life does not end with rejection at a bar, a note left on a pillow, or coming home from work to an empty apartment. Combining a few bits of advice from friends and my own life experiences, I think I am able to provide a dependable resource you can refer to the next time a man or woman decides you and your genitals are inadequate. So without further ado, let's start the healing process … together. The Frisky: What's Your Post-Breakup Recipe?
The first thing you need to do once you've been dumped is stop feeling bad for yourself. Wondering "What have I done to deserve this!?" makes you pathetic. Don't be pathetic. Before you enter the dark place—that pitiful, depth-less black hole filled with self-loathing and doubt—you need to start writing some lists. First and foremost, you need a list detailing your lost love's worst qualities. Populate your list with foul, insensitive things you might have thought during fights but never dared to say. For example, here's a list I just now came up with about a girl whom I dated briefly in college: She was a few pounds overweight; she was too Jewish; a couple times I found stray hairs around her nipples; she never talked dirty; we had nothing in common; her friends were annoying; her breasts were veiny; she had a cocaine problem, I thought her roommate was hotter. See? Now I feel like I'm way out of her league! I could think of a million girls with all those qualities, and they're all beneath me! Try it out, you'l be amazed what it does for your confidence. Once you've regained faith in yourself, you will be able to move on with your life.
BE LIKE CHAUCER
Once you've successfully penned a bunch of lists that would make John Cusack in High Fidelity feel like an even bigger loser, you should make like Chaucer and pen an epic story detailing the history of your relationship. Don't go and use traditional middle-English style or anything, and a 1300-page opus would be excessive. Just be totally honest with yourself and depict the good and bad times as fairly as possible. You'll be surprised at how reading over the end result offers a sense of closure you won't get from sitting in your room sulking. Hell, it could even motivate you to get back out there and find someone else to start a relationship with. This time just make sure you don't end up with someone who'll sleep with your best friend when you're passed out drunk on the couch.