Improve Your Love Making With Sexual Role Play

Role play during love making creates intimacy and can invigorate your sex life.

By claire daniel — Written on Mar 31, 2010

Before I'd ever heard of love making, before I knew what the phrase "sex life" meant, I was taking part in sexual role play—though I didn't know it at the time.

When I was in first grade I used to make all the boys play a game with me: I was an Indian princess captured by a warring tribe and I needed to be saved, preferably by the tow-headed Andrew.

"Get your hands off me," I would say as I let them grab my hands, my feet and carry me atop the tire fortress. From my perch I would cry out, "Help, help me," and my tribe would come to the rescue. "Now say, 'You can never have her!' or, 'She's ours!'" I would command. Eventually, someone would save me and a marriage ceremony would follow.

Of course, at six years of age, I wasn't aware that this all meant that I enjoyed the attention of little boys fighting over me, that I liked playing out the female rescue fantasy, and that this was how I could express my feelings—in this case, my first crush.

As children, we used the game of "let's pretend" for more than simply passing time. Pretending allowed us to share our desires and expectations, test our positions in the world and figure out how other people fit into that equation. Often, it was the only way that boys and girls could play together, cootie-free. By not being ourselves, we were free to be ourselves. Infusing Fantasy Into Your Sex Life

As adults, however, we tend to denigrate make-believe as silly. In sexual relationships role-playing can be seen as a bit perverted, a signal that something is wrong in the relationship—or with us. After all, why would you want to pretend you're someone else?

Why Try Role-Playing?
The truth is that role-playing doesn't have to be about kinky sex, and it doesn't mean that you are bored with your lover. If your man asks you to wear spiky heels and a long blonde wig, it's not necessarily a signal that he's finding you less sexually attractive. Acting out fantasies can and should be about core relationship elements like communication, intimacy and acceptance, and can both indicate and create strength in a relationship.

"Role playing challenges the confines of a particular relationship," says Cynthia Gentry, author of What Men Really Want in Bed and the upcoming What Women Really Want in Bed. "It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to share your deepest, darkest fantasies with someone," she says. "It also requires clear, honest communication about what you want."

Role-playing can be a great way to develop a relationship and build intimacy, but that's not all it's good for. Through role-playing we get to "try on different shoes" within out sexual relationships, says Chris Auer, a mental health counselor at White Forest Counseling in Ashland, Ore. Role-playing "allows people to get to know themselves better by experiencing different emotional and/or relational aspects of [themselves]," he explains. You can "experience a freedom of expression that may otherwise be cut-off through adherence to cultural norms."

Of course, it can also be about kicking up the kink, shaking up a staid routine, jump-starting a waning libido, or just something you do for fun. Seductress T.M. Lee, author of Scripts 4 Play, says imagination is the key to sexual fulfillment. "Once your imagination is gone, so is the fun in your sex life," she says.

Relationship expert Johanna Lyman adds that "role-playing can be an integral part of keeping the flames of desire flaming in long term relationships." The intimacy you develop with after years with the same partner is "wonderful for keeping a relationship going, but it doesn't do much for the libido. Eroticism exists in the space between two people, while intimacy closes the gap. Acting out fantasies creates more space between who you think you are; it creates a sense of the unknown, which is extremely erotic." The Key To A Sexy Marriage

So How Do You Start?
"Check out his porno collection if you want a clue," says Natasha, a former professional fetishist and dominatrix at New York City's infamous Pandora's Box. And if you can get up the nerve to ask him, "make sure to be specific," she instructs. "Don't just say, 'What's your fantasy?' Say, 'When you are by yourself, what kind of porn do you watch?"

"Make sure you keep an open mind and allow him to share whatever he wants," she continues, explaining that most men came to her because they didn't feel comfortable talking about their fantasies.

So what are men's typical fantasies? What roles did Natasha find herself repeating over and over? The answer, in order of frequency: Nurse, School Teacher, Mom, Teenager, and Interrogator. If you're uncomfortable talking about role-play, consider introducing any of the above scenarios; chances are he'd find one of them appealing.

"Begin by adopting an alter ego," Natasha says. "It could be as simple as putting on a new lipstick and telling yourself, 'when I put this on I become Nurse Sexy.'"

To get into character, it can help to establish a routine, some transformational process that signals that you are going to become someone else. It could be as simple as a song and a red light-bulb; the important thing is to have a defined character and to become her.

Want more? We broke down a few of the most common fantasies: Nurse, Secretary and Teacher.

#1 Nurse

Essentials: Red lipstick, high heels, sexy white lingerie, thermometer.

For beginners, Natasha suggests starting with his temperature, then feel his manhood, which will then easily maneuver into, "I think I felt a lump." Expert moves include a prostate exam and urine analysis, but "if something is not working," she says, "move on. Don't dwell."

After you've finished your examination, it's time for the diagnosis and, of course, the cure. Perhaps he needs a few bandages? Make Ace work for you and tie him to the bedpost. Or maybe an erotic massage is in order. Keep the communication going by including him and his desires in the scene.

Lines to get you started: "Hello sir, how are you feeling today? You seem flushed, and a bit excited, is there anything wrong? Let me look at your chart. Hmmm... it seems like you have a history of recurrent priapism. Oh look, I see you're having one now. Just lie back and spread your legs, and let me see what I can do for you..."

#2 Teacher

Essentials: Sexy glasses, a bun, black lingerie, a ruler, an apple and some attitude.

To begin, have him waiting for you alone in a room. He should be sitting. You enter, apple in hand. Take a bite and look into his eyes. "And don't act overtly sexy—yet" she cautions. "The tease is a large part of the game."

A good place to start, Natasha says, is to ask him to explain why he's been bad, and then to ask him what he thinks his punishment should be.

Lines to get you started: Try this from seductress T.M. Lee's I'll Do Anything For An A.

Roles: Professor Cougar, first-year college student.

STUDENT: Knocks on the professor's door.

PROFESSOR: (Sitting behind her desk.) Come in.

STUDENT: Professor Cougar, I would like to speak to you about my midterm paper.

PROFESSOR: What about your midterm paper?

STUDENT: My grade.

PROFESSOR: What about your grade?

STUDENT: I'd like to improve it?

PROFESSOR: How?

STUDENT: I'd do anything you suggest.