I am sitting here at work...on break...and have poured through many different posts...just checking to make sure that I am not the only who is having a difficult time in the LOVE dept. Whew! Definitely not the only one so my privately reserved pity party has been put on hold for now. Not that I want anyone else suffering just to make myself feel better it's just there are times that I feel a little less alone. About 30 days ago I told my finace/boyfriend/ex-husband (how's that for complicated?) that I was done with the relationship. The shocked look on his face actually shocked me. This man that I have given the last 6 years of my life to....ups and downs....together not together...separated...divorced and then tried to reconcile....turned and looked at me with the most hateful look I had seen for quite sometime....and told me what I joke I was and that I must be crazy. For the first time those words did not sting one bit and I have heard those words several times through the last 6 years. I was calm....not an emotion...not a tear (and I am a crier) no anger....no insulting words back....just done. He left the house and did not come back until the next morning and I was ok with that. I am not an unfeeling person. I love deeply, honestly and so on...but I have finally had enough. I have had enough of lies....enough of disloyalty....enough of being criticized...and more importantly....inadvertantly teaching my two young daughters....that what we had was a normal relationship. Shame on me. This is not the kind of man that I would ever want my daughters with. And definitley not the kind of men that I want my sons to be either. In fact I read a post yesterday about RED FLAGS. The author was referencing women but the man I am with was all over that post and my eyes were opened even wider. I can't say that I didn't see those flags because I did....what i did do is refuse to ackowledge that they were there. My grandmother told me once....when I was a young sprite in my late twenties...." When someone tells you who they are...believe them." I didn't believe this man...everytime he told me who he was...because I didn't want to. I suppose I could go on about what a jerk he is...and he really is....but the simple fact is that he has never said or done anything to me that i didn't let him do....for one reason or another....all of which is now my quest to find out why....I made a choice to be a doormat for him and I finally got tired of it. Ya for me right? Well....I wish it was that easy. We still reside in the same house until I find another place to move into. To say that it's hard to remain in the same house during a break-up is a little more than surreal is all I can say about that. I have yet to see a Rule Book on how you act or things you say or don't say...I know if there is one... it sure would help at this moment. Everyday is a lesson in patience, tolerance, maintaining ones composure and definitely keeping your emotions in check. I have been on this rollercoaster ride for too long and look forward to a more peaceful...less vomit inducing ride. I am the one ending this relationship...yet I wonder why I worry about what he is doing when he is 3 hours late coming home from work. If I don't want this relationship than why am I worrying about what he is doing? Weird I know and probably more on the selfish side that I want to admit...but it is an honest feeling. So like the title of this post....I wonder what I am holding onto or better yet....maybe... when I say that I am not afraid to be alone...I am lying to myself. Maybe I am afraid to not hear the words " I love you" again. Maybe I am afraid that there will never be another kiss...or someone to hold my hand....but I already miss those things.....he has not just held my hand for months....and oh how I miss kissing! Kisses from him were cold....lifeless and mine were just as cold. I gave up who I was to be with him. It was easier than fighting as I don't like fighting. I miss me. I kinda like who I am. So maybe that's why I was calm....I started liking myself again and missed.....me! I know my kids miss who I was so maybe this is a good venue to get back to who I was and get my thoughts untangled from this discombobulated thing that has become my life.