Which, we must admit, has been our exact reaction to Vienna. Then we force ourselves to remember that she's 23 and dealing with a 31-year-old man who's sweeping her off her feet, both figuratively and literally (ah, the bungee-jump date). And though clever editing conceals it from us, we think Jake is feeling the same way, too. (We also think he's obsessed with her breasts, but who wouldn't be?)
And so Jake spends one more date with each woman. He takes Vienna to a natural hot spring and they rub silky, grey mud all over each other's almost-nude bodies. Later, Vienna gives Jake her don't-run-off-and-get-eloped-again-you-dumbass ring, in an effort to prove that their connection is more than just physical. Then they suck face.
Jake takes Tenley scuba diving and sailing. On their way back from a picture-perfect day, he—fumblingly but with aching sincerity—attempts to ask Tenley if she feels that there's a certain spark lacking between them. "I don't mean sexually," Jake says when Tenley starts crying, though we all know that is exactly what he means.
So, if the magic of The Bachelor's editing can be believed, it really came down to this: a deep emotional "connection" with Tenley, versus a deep physical attraction to Vienna. Which led to this, the most dramatic (or sweetly tender and true) Rose. Ceremony. Yet!
And this, the most cheesy and extended "On the Wings of Love" montage. Yet!
To Tenley's credit, when Jake let her go, her lips quivered, her eyes crinkled, but then—even then!—she thanked him for teaching her she could love again. And Jake said one very interesting thing: that he put Tenley "on a pedestal" and just couldn't be himself around her.
How deeply should we read into this? That if we are "good girls" we can be "too good"? That men can think we're so perfect out of the bedroom that we can't get messy (or muddy) in the bedroom? Or does it all come down to physical attraction—that we simply can't deny our base animal instincts, and that signals with whom we should mate?
Oh, so many questions, so few answers! In fact, the only answers we received were (a) Vienna said yes, (b) Jake will appear on Dancing with the Stars, and (c) Ali is the new Bachelorette.
Of all three, honestly, we're most enthused about Vienna. Good luck, kid. You'll need it.
Readers, do you think you can make a relationship work if there's no chemistry? Or is passion fleeting whereas friendship is forever? And does anyone care that Ali is the new Bachelorette?