I need help.. I'm in real trouble here. I belong(ed) to an online task force hunting down internet predators. Because of that I spend a great deal of time online in many different chat rooms/groups, but not as myself- I have three online aliases I use for specific targets. Doesn't sound too bad, right? I did help track and arrest four predators and for that I feel lucky.
However.. one night while in one of those aliases I met someone I didn't expect. I try NEVER to make friends in chat rooms while I'm working because I'm not the real me and I'm watching for the 'bad guys'. But this man PM's me and says my nickname reminded him of a classic movie he'd seen and would I like to chat for a bit.
I should have said 'no thanks' but I was intrigued by his statement being a classic movie lover myself so I chatted with him. The problem was I stayed in alias mode because I was still tracking this other 'mark' but I couldn't tell him that. So he talked to me as someone else. Like many of us, we strike up 'one night only' friendships and we're done with it so there's no reason to have to fess up later on. I've done it too. That's why we use nicknames on sites (like this one too)- to protect our real identities so we can relax, enjoy ourselves, even escape the real humdrum of our lives sometimes by embellishing who we really are. Or in many cases NOT being who we really are.. accidentally or deliberately.
In my case, I did something horrible- I was dishonest with someone and I did not come clean when I should have. I made a conscious decision to deceive someone I liked and I can never fix that. I can never go back in time and choose a different path. And I hurt and lost out on what turned out to be the only man I've ever truly loved. I even tried to justify my actions based on some things he's done and things that happened to me in the past.
But it still comes down to the fact I didn't trust him or myself enough to tell him the truth. If I had done that, I might still be with him today- in love, happy, content. What I wouldn't give for a few hours just to be able to sit with him and tell him about the real me, the person he really did know very well, and apologize. Tell him why I made the choices I did, and to beg his forgiveness- NOT to try and win him over again because that would seem like manipulation, but so I could be sure that he knew that I really did love him and didn't fake the past year. To prove to him that I do love him by letting him go. And just hoping and praying that maybe he will forgive me one day. And maybe he'll find happiness again with someone who will love him as much as I did and will take care of him.