This week, bachelor Jake "I used to act under the name Jake Landrum" took his remaining three ladies—Tenley "like the number Ten," Gia "Swimsuit Model with Low Self-Esteem but Great Heels" and Vienna "Everyone Hates Me, Is It my Lazy Eye?"—to St. Lucia for the most amazing romantic getaway ever.
Monday's promos promised a shocking twist, with past contestant Ali calling Jake and saying she'd made a huge mistake. As you might remember, the San Francisco girl was issued an ultimatum by her employer: come back now or lose your job.
In a bizarre twist of Bachelor logic, Ali chose her career, which she loves, over a relationship with a man she might have known for almost a month. We were pretty freaked out; this sounded like something we might have done! Was The Bachelor truly becoming a reality show? Was it acknowledging that women can care about more than just finding "the one" and dating him in a highly structured, televised relationship?
No! (Whew.) This week, Ali came back and revealed—in a not-at-all-awkward telephone conversation taped in her kitchen, where we're pretty sure she has the same toaster that we do—that she'd made a big mistake. Huge. And that she wants Jake back…
But that wasn't the most shocking moment from last night's Bachelor. They were…
5. Jake's and Gia's shockingly awkward marketplace dance.
4. Vienna's shocked: Johnny Depp's been here!
3. We're shocked: Jake doesn't understand the concept of an eye patch.
2. The rest of Vienna's date: face-licking, booty-slapping…and why does Jake keep pushing her, literally?