Happy Valentine's Day! You know what I like best about this special holiday, besides hating on it? Getting slapped in the face by women.
Hold on, hold on—let me elaborate. See, I get sexually aroused when a gal hauls off and socks me. I do. I like it when women smack me across the face. (Well, wait, I don't like it all the time. I don't walk around hoping random women will backhand me. Women typically wear at least one ring, and who can afford a facial scar In This Economy?)
The soufflé of pain and pleasure that I feel after a good hard slap melts me to my very core. It all started in seventh grade. I made some crack to Carolyn Hester* which didn't sit well with her friend Catherine Chang*, who proceeded to wallop me about the head. The shock! Oh, it was a brilliant, blinding white light that ate up everything and everyone around me. The pain! It was pure and clear and deliciously hot. Our fellow seventh graders gawked in stunned silence as my face was consumed in flames.
I remember my brain convulsing with information—Do I cry, or do I laugh? I wanted to do both, but I ended up smiling, and this seemed to piss her off even more. She called me a jerk, and they stormed off while my peers crowded around me guffawing and giggling. But in my pre-pubescent pants, things were happening. Lemondrop: More Childhood Sexual Misconceptions From Our Readers
Read the rest on Lemondrop.
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Written by [Redacted] Guy for Lemondrop.