Engaged & Confused: Overcoming My Fear Of Marriage


Marriage doubts: I was sure he was the one...until we got engaged.

I watched eHarmony.com commercials and wondered how I could know that we were meant to be together if we were never paired by experts based on the nine dimensions of compatibility. What if we were horribly, dreadfully mismatched? Shouldn't I need to pass a test or write an essay to prove that I was up for the challenge of marriage? Shouldn't it be harder than this to commit my life to someone? 

I spun myself up more than a dozen times weighing all the pros and cons (in an Excel spreadsheet, no less) and fretting over the unknowns. It ultimately took a short vacation and a few bottles of wine for me to realize that I am not my friends. Their relationships are not mine, and their fears, their fights, and their fractured relationships have helped me see my and Dean's strengths.


Like so many people, we have our differences: he loves seafood, I'm allergic; I love cats, he's allergic. But thanks to nasal spray and air filters, he now lives with my cats, and when I cave into his craving for sushi, he takes me to a place that has great chicken dishes. These are small things, and they can certainly get lost in the day-to-day rush, but when I look at everything that makes us work, from our shared desire to have one child to our favorite vacation destination, it's not one big thing that makes Dean the One; it's a thousand little things that add up to a whole lot.

As one of my girl friends put it, when I asked her why she thought Dean and I were so good together, "I like that you're always you with him. Dean loves you for you. The only difference is that with him, you are a happier, kinder version of yourself."

As hard as it may be in this day and age of Facebook affairs and celebrity annulments, I also have to remind myself of all the positive marriages I have seen. If you put down the gossip rags and spend five minutes not trying to find reasons to doubt marriage, you'll see solid couples that take it one day at a time, quietly and consistently striving to make their relationships work.

I know that I don't need marriage but I do want it. I don't need a husband to make me happy or fulfill me, but I feel fortunate to have someone in my life who is committed to me and wants to take the leap. I have my friends to thank for teaching me that I can't put our relationship on cruise control after the big day and hope for the best. I know that I am not guaranteed a happily ever after, but I am willing to work with him on one.


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