What I Learned From The Swimsuit Issue


Youngish to middle-aged men owe a lot to both Sports Illustrated and Kathy Ireland.

We were treated to the swimsuited bods of Elle Macpherson, Vendela, Rachel Hunter and the ageless Kathy Ireland, among many others. Most of the outfits ranged from your standard two-piece jams but, periodically, things became more artistic and more exotic: bathing suit AND birthday suit. Regular textiles were replaced with mesh, fishnet and sand that looked like glued-on cinnamon. And since the shots were "tasteful" (re: no lady business visible), it eased young shavers into understanding, nay, appreciating, nay, respectfully lusting after the female form with only a vague idea of what was so interesting. Read: Could More Porn Actually Make Us Healthier?

Unfortunately, boys these days don't have such an easy transition from kid to perpetual hard-on. After all, there's nothing to look forward to that you can't already find in Google Images (so that's what Cheryl Tiegs' butt cheeks look like), and a boy can now measure his life in two phases: before and after he's seen something that he can't unsee.


Gosh, I miss the days of waiting for the Swimsuit Issue.

*Note: "THOSE houses" generally involved at least one parent who regularly smoked pot and left copies of Penthouse on the coffee table.