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is it me?

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is it me?

sorry for the lack of punctuation this is more a stream of consciousness im with a guy who i fell in love with over a year ago and the only time he seems to feel the same way about me is after a fight when ive left or when hes drunk we cuddle on the couch and while were sleeping but he doesnt seem to adore me i take good care of myself i have a fulltime job alot of friends im very ambitious and artistic and have worked and conintued working on being perfect for myself but he doesnt seem to appreciate me and if he does he rarely expresses it he was my boss neither of us work there anymore ive found a letter to an ex of him describing her as perfect and beautiful and i dont think he thinks that way about me i dont want to force him to be in a mediocre relationship if he isnt satisfied with me i think he should stay single i love him but he makes it hard when he doesnt look at me or even want me to move in with him after a year of this relationship sometimes i want him to be drunk just so hell tell me he loves me and how pretty he thinks i am should i leave or is this fixable...do i want to fix it? is he worth it is anyone worth the constant self doubt he makes me feel and im normally a very secure person i hate the jealousy and im a very sexual person and when he doesnt even come to bed the same time i do it hurts and i cant help but think if i was her*miss perfect* hed be there hed be the man i want the one she didnt but im here picking up the pieces am i not forward enough i dont believe there is a way to converse this without it turning into a fight that ends in tears and me screeching out of the driveway i know you cant make someone love you especially one with this much baggage i dont know i find an answer and get twenty more questions am i never satisfied or is there a reason im feeling this empty dont get me wrong we have some great times but the white noise in between those is getting louder

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thanks for listening carissa in corning

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