After 38-years of being single and feeling like a real-life Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride, I finally settled down and married. Thankfully, I met a man who was willing to help me work through my dating demons. One of the most common reasons for failed relationships stems from commitment phobia. If you’re in a relationship that’s gone through all the seasons and there’s no sign that you’ll be moving in together before the next snowflake falls, you may be with someone who can’t commit.
With the fall upon us and school ready to begin, following are some love lessons to determine if you are attracted, dating or in deep with a commitment phobe.
Lesson #1: They Don’t Commit; They Quit
A commitment phobe is a person who cannot settle down with one person or in a relationship. Even if the partnership is growing and showing signs that the union is working between then, these folks don’t have the ability to take dating to a higher level.
Commitment-phobes should not be confused with those who break off a relationship with someone because they don’t see a future together. The non-committal personality comes with a lot of conflict and turmoil given they are unable to display emotional intimacy or marriage even when they have found “the one.”
Mary and John were together for five years until she gave him an ultimatum to propose. He knew he was with a great woman but that only added to his fears. He didn’t feel good enough for Mary and broke things off when it became too much pressure. Six months later John married someone else, and two months later he filed for divorce. His pattern is a vicious cycle of being safely single.
Lesson #2: Fear Takes Over
Many people who have trouble finding a stable relationship suffer from fear. For some, it’s being petrified of being with one person forever. Others are scared of losing their independence or being hurt or rejected. Although everyone has a different reason, people with commitment phobia usually have a history of loss or bereavement, abuse, childhood trauma, divorce or separation.
Mike’s mother died when he was nine and his father introduced him to several replacement moms over the years but his dad never remarried or committed seriously to anyone. As a child, Mike grew up believing that relationships weren’t meant to last and his fear of emotional intimacy carried into his own adult relationships with women.
Lesson #3: Signs, Signs Everywhere There’s Signs Are you with someone whose background is sprinkled with short-term, unfulfilled relationships? Or, maybe your better half has been in two or three long term commitments but never married. Either one of these could be signs that you’re with someone who may fall short on putting their foot forward when it comes to walking down the aisle. Maybe your partner is longing for space and independence, or they put their job or career first. They probably have many excuses for why the relationship isn’t working but they never want to break-up. Or, maybe you have a long distance arrangement and only see one another on weekends. This all sounds so obvious to an outsider but when you’re with a commitment-phobe they say and do things that make you feel loved and special. They tell you that they’ll move in or marry you someday but as the years go by you finally realize that the “someday” never comes. Lesson #4: Listening to the Clues
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