How To Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough

He was talking about a third guy I'd seen online.  This guy seemed smart and interesting, and he was an involved parent, but he wore a Pink bow tie in his photo, he was short, and he was nearly bald.  Not my type. So the dating coach told me to make a list of "needs"—as opposed to my "wants"—and I came up with fourteen things.  But here's the catch:  I was allowed to have only three.

I was surprised. Only three?

"The difference between 'needs' and 'wants' is crucial," he explained. "If you have fourteen 'needs,' it means that if a guy has thirteen of the fourteen qualities, he's gone! And even if he's most of these things, you have to remember that a lot of good qualities flip over and become bad qualities. Someone highly intelligent and analytical can also be opinionated and a know-it-all. Someone easy-going may have no opinions or be lazy."

He told me about a client of his who'd had her heart broken by a charming, but commitment-phobic man. When she was ready to date again, she went online and sifted through her responses. She was excited about one guy who reminded her of her ex. They went out on a date, he said he'd call, and he didn't. The Six Archetypes of Love

But another guy did. "In her view, he wasn't the most compelling candidate in the bunch," he said, "but he just kept asking her out. Every time my client would go on a date with him, she would have fun. And then she'd complain to me that he wasn't what she was looking for."

He was too short for her. He wasn't rugged enough. But he met her needs: he was thoughtful and reliable, he had the same values as she did, and he shared a similar lifestyle. And when she distinguished between her wants and her needs, she fell in love. She thought she wanted the charming, manly-man guy—and maybe on some level she still wants that—but what she needed was someone fun and thoughtful and reliable who had similar goals and values.

"What you want isn't necessarily good for you," he said. "And in going after the person you think you want, you ignore what you really need."