On to the next one that really seems to be at the core of what has been driving me to this day. I can remember one conversation with my dad telling me that “My money is for your excellence” and another conversation in my high school guidance counselors office where my dad declared that “If he isn’t going to get into a Ivy League school then he should go to a state school…I’m not going support this kind of mediocrity” To my dad’s credit I was a handful and at that point I was an entitled, dope smoking, arrogant, pissed off teenager. For the record he did end up footing the bill for 4 years at Colgate University.
Nevertheless what I made up about myself was that I “wasn’t good enough,” “I wasn’t excellent,” and most recently what I have noticed for myself is what I really made up was “I’m not loveable.” Now was that true? Hell no. Was that my dad’s intention, absolutely not. Nevertheless that’s what has been running in the background for the past 38 years for me.
To do a little Pop Psychology 101 on myself, it was clear that who I became was a gregarious people pleasing person running around the world looking for a sense of approval and belonging where ever I went and continued to base my value as a human being based on others response to me. While on the surface I made it work for myself with the people in my life, it was also one of the biggest triggers that would get in the way of difficult conversations with loved one and friends. Its clear that I would do anything to avoid criticism or conflict. The thought of someone saying something about me that they didn’t like drove me to extraordinary ends to make sure that didn’t happen. If it did, it was either Fight or Flight. It made it virtually impossible to have any self expression because everything that came out of my mouth was in the background designed to win others over and make you like me.
What I really didn’t see until this past weekend was that what has really been going on for me over the past 38 years is that I actually have been doing is periodically creating situations and circumstances in which I “need” to be rescued or “need” to be helped. WHY? Well if you love me you would help me…
If I’m really honest with myself what the cycle looks like is the following. I start a new project. I get really excited, tell everyone about it and try to get them excited. What operating in the background it “I AM good enough, see… I AM excellent, see… I AM smart enough…see!” I get things done and rely on my god given talents and skills to make it happen. I do it, and do it well; and I make sure that everyone in my life knows that I’m doing it and doing it well. Just before getting to the top of the mountain…getting to the 100%… WHAM! I destroy it! The excuses and the stories kick in and suddenly I’m talking about the unfortunate circumstances I find myself in once again. I then need help, I need support, I need people to come to my rescue to help me through this tough time. Phew! Its exhausting even writing about it! Thank god I’m loveable!