Brangelina Deathwatch: Signs of Breakupocalypse

Over the weekend, the disreputable British tabloid News of the World announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were going their separate ways, and had signed some official-ish papers dividing their joint property and deciding how they'd spend time with their squadron of kids. Brad and Angelina's reps immediately denied the reports, all but publishing photos of their famous clients in a squelching coital embrace to prove that they are totally still together and happy and Jennifer Aniston is going to die alone. But we still have our suspicions, those that protest too much, etc. So here, for your edification, is a list of signs that the Brangelina gravy train might be pulling into its last station.

1. Brad's beard

Come on, that beard is the scruffy, smelly, ugly facial hair of a man who has just stopped trying. It is the chin-gerbil equivalent of sweatpants and shower shoes worn out in public. It is the face-covering of a man who just wants to hide in his basement with a PlayStation and eat Funyuns from the bag. We do not buy that it is for a role, and frankly, we're starting to resent this deliberate uglying up of one of Earth's prettiest men. If Joaquin Phoenix can shave, so can Brad. Pull it together, man.

2. The adoption papers

Angelina is reportedly in the process of adding a seventh child to the Jolie-Pitt rainbow coalition. She filed papers in Syria last year to begin the adoption of a little girl, but Brad's name was conspicuously absent from the paperwork. We speculated at the time that perhaps Syria doesn't allow unmarried couples to adopt, and that could be true. Or Brad could be putting his foot down about another kid. Recall that Angelina adopted now eight-year-old Maddox alone back in 2002, when she was still married to Billy Bob Thornton—her eagerness to take on more kids without a partner could be a sign that she's done with Brad. A-list Links: Which Young Couple Plans To Adopt?