is this the end of the line?

is this the end of the line?

is this the end of the line?

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is this the end of the line?

first of all, i'm a newbie so have patience if i'm not going about this correctly :) but thanks, any insight would be greatly appreciated :) cheers!

Background....
we met at work 2007 with both of us in serious committed relationships
both seperate relationships deteriated around the same time
Nov 2008, we begin to see each other - it was wonderful, enjoying each others company, it was full of passion, it had alot of promise
Jan 2009, she breaks up with me to return to her ex boyfriend.  I was most definatly hurt but i understood as she has a child with him and wanted to give it another chance- for her childs sake
--this ex was a complete ass, he was constantly rude towards her, embarassed her in public, was abusive and constantly screaming at her--

her returning to ex lasted 3 weeks and she moved back out. we never spoke for 3 months despite constant efforts on her part. 

The Love Story ...

May 2009 i pay her a surprise visit on her birthday.  we have a good chat for a while then on my way out the door we hug good bye.  hug turns to small kiss small kiss turns to big kiss, big kiss turns to well you know, some oh my god i've missed you up against the fridge ;)

well we start to hang out a bit, nothing serious, then as the summer approaches we are spendng weekends together, ussually her coming up to my house as i live in cottage country surrounded by tree's and lakes so its really quite nice and relaxing.  at this point ussually once a week she's telling me she misses me and wants to be with me but i am still  pushing her away, enjoying being single and more so still a little hurt from last january.  i keep telling her that i'm not ready to commit as i wasn't and we were both appreciative of the fact we could be honest with each other.  she told me should would wait for me, until I was ready as I was the one she wanted and she would wait as long as it took.

July goes by and we are going to concerts and having alot of fun, August comes and we are at a Nickleback concert and we run into an old gf of mine. well she comes and talks and then shit hits the fan cause we got jealousy all over the map.  the way home she appolagises and honestly pushed me away a little bit

August, I am feeling depressed as I am alone, watching some chick flick on TV and thinking that I would never find that love, that maybe it just wasn't meant to be.  I had my chance, I was married, had children and lost it all.  ( my ex wife is a full blown alcoholic which ultimatly was the destruction of our marrage )

I sat on my elevated deck outside my house over looking the tree's as i do each morning drinking my coffee and I begin to think. 
Maybe I am being blind to the fact, maybe all along i wish for this so called fairy tale love and its been sitting right in front of my eyes with this girl .. here is this girl who i honestly do care for when i think about it, she cares for me and she has been waiting months for me to get my shit together.  seriously like months.  we have an amazing time everytime we are together, so what am i doing? 
I decide thats the case and here is this wonderful girl right before my eyes and I dont want to risk the chance of losing that.

August - we become official :)
spend the fall falling in love all over again, we're inseperable, life is great and we can envision a great future ahead of us ... honestly life is the best its ever been

December - I want to give her the best christmas season ever!! 


*her ex never let her do anything and its been a long long time since she's sen her friends back home and accually had a good time without him ruining it*

I book a surprise trip for her to attend her best friends xmas party ( it didnt end up being a surprise but still we went and had fun :)
 for 2 months i planned a surprise party for her, christams party with all her friends and a surprise birthday party ( even tho her birthday isnt until the spring, that was suppost to be the surprise)
well the day before the party a co-worker spilled the surprise out to her, and she told me she didnt want it, to postpone it, so i called everyone and told them it was off.  i was dissapointed but such is life i guess

for christmas i did the 12 days of christams for her .. the 12 days leading up to xmas i she recieved presents ..

1 lunch box - she always took her lunch to work in a plastic bag and it drove me crazy...
2 pairs of shoes - got here a pair of knee high black boots and a pair of puma running shoes she wanted
3 date nights - the dates were .. we will go skating on the redeau canal in ottawa, we will go to a hockey game :) she's never been to one, and the other one is a month before her mom died she had a star named after her so i told her that we will go rent the observratoy for a night to find her mom's star
4 magazine subscriptions to her favorite mag's
5 diamonds :) but really there were more in it .. yea i got her a ring lol not that kind of ring tho haha
6 bottles of wine .. she loves her red wine so i got her a box set of 6 vintage french red wines
7 weeks of timmies - so she could have her timmies everyday on the way to work
8 lotto packs, envelopes filled with lottery tickets cause she's worth millions in my eyes
9 new scarves - she loves to wear scarves
10 ways i love you
11 bubble baths - a bin full of bath stuff .. towel sets bubble bath, salts, feet srubs etc etc
and
12 ... was she woke up christmas morning to 12 bouquets of flowers all over her room

all good, some things never went according to plan but sometimes i got the feeling she really wasn't appreciative of it. i dont know

The Downfall ..

A week before christmas we find out she is pregnant. we both have our seperate freak outs at times but all is well we decide this is a blessing and are happy about it.  we dont tell anyone until after christmas.  her father comes up for christmas and after he leaves sends her the sweetest message .. "thank you for everything, bill really does love you and hope and i see the way he looks at you, the same way i used to look at your mother. i happy that your finally happy"  pretty sweet eh


the week after christmas we ( or she ) decides to start telling people .. she's excited .. so i was like i better tell people too i dont need my family finding this out on facebook or something .. so i tell my family.

then around new years she begins to freak out, wondering if this is the right choice, then starts to wonder if it was the best choice to be with me.  she has issues and doesnt know if she can truly be happy.  she starts to withdrawl.  for a week it was no in depth conversations, no physical contact, when i held her hand she didnt hold it back .. stuff like that.  then it gets me to start thinking .. is this the best thing? are we better off apart of together, i was completley confused as to what i wanted.

then she lost the baby .. i think she was more releived in the end as was i as we are not strong right now, maybe that was a blessing itself i dont know.  altho now we both have had some what if's about it ... 



so we talk .. she has quite the abnormal relationship with her ex, they talk everyday, she says its about their daughter and wants a strong relationship with him for her .. which i can understand i never want to take away from that .. but they talk far more than need be ya know ... i can appreciate having an ok relationship but considering the history of her going back to him once, the fact that the first time we dated there had to be a point and time where she was talking to him in a realtionship sence while we were togehter before she decided to tell me she was going back to him .. there's just history there which always gets my head spinning everytime they talk ... and its frequent!!  but for her its on the way to work, at work, on her lunch on the way home .. then he calls to say goodnight to his daughter .. like wtf .. i dont know, maybe i'm overreacting but it just seems off to me


So at this point we are broken up, when we talked she told me she needed time to decide what she wanted and i told her she realy made me feel shitty when she told me she doesnt know if she caould deal with us having ex's and all the issues that come with that .. and becasue she didnt know if she wanted to be with me, she wasking for time so i gave her time .. we broke up and she can be free to choose what she wants.

i sent her a text yesterday saying that i loved her still, that i wanted her and i didnt want anyone else.  i said i missed her, missed us and the last week has felt like i haven't been able to breath because i've felt so terrible how things so perfect could have ended up so messed.  i basicly put it out there but still i get nothing back.  when i touch her its not returned, she lets me hug her but still its not there ... i'm trying but really i want to give up i dont know what else to do

so here i am now, writting this thing, maybe getting an outside perspective, but the feeling i have today is to just let it be. maybe its not worth fighting for, and if it is how much fight do i have left in me? today i don't feel like its alot

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