2. I’m a fun-loving person.......... I am so devoid of personality that I can’t even specify what I do for fun, not that I actually do anything that can be considered fun, so I’ll just say that I love “fun” in a general sort of way.
3. I’m a total smart-ass.......... I know the proper usage of “lol,” as well as the winky-face emoticon “;-)”.
4. I’m over the bar and club scene.......... Men want to sleep with me just because I let them buy me drinks.
5. I know what I want and live life to the fullest.......... I am the center of the universe and will not hesitate to dump your sorry ass the minute even one brain cell inside my head starts to get bored with you.
6. I’m an old-fashioned kind of girl.......... You’re not getting laid on the first date. Unless you’re super-hot.
7. I’m looking for that spark.......... I’m looking for a man who’s 6’4”, makes six figures, has a chiseled jaw and washboard abs, is a hopeless romantic, has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh everyday, is intelligent and well-read, loves to travel, will buy me flowers and open doors for me, is sensitive and emotionally available, loves kids, loves pets, volunteers for charities, is a handyman, is great in bed, shares my political beliefs, shares my faith, matches my astrological sign, will not be afraid to tell me he loves me, gets along with my family, will worship me, will spoon me, will always understand me... and actually exists.
8. I’m looking for an open-minded individual.......... I’m looking for someone willing to overlook my hideousness.
9. My body type = athletic and toned.......... I have a Body Ball somewhere in my apartment. It might even be partially inflated at the moment.
10. My body type = curvy.......... Just like the legs of a chair after I’ve sat in it.
So there you are, folks. Look through those menus with a healthy dose of skepticism, and maybe your next Grand Slam will be everything that you expected. Now, if you will excuse me, this laid-back, athletic smart-ass has some profiles to fill out in his quest to find a real, genuine, open-minded girl with a good head on her shoulders.