If you ask me, online dating is the romantic equivalent of eating at Denny’s: they give you a menu full of tantalizing photos and enticing descriptions, but that Grand Slam breakfast sitting in front of you never looks quite as good as the one on the menu. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy a meal at Denny’s. You just have to realize that the menus may stretch the truth somewhat. The same goes for online dating. Any social reject can figure out that people exercise plenty of factual calisthenics in their online profiles. To that end, I’ve compiled my own list of the most overused online dating aphorisms I’ve come across, and the not-so-scrumptious, not-quite-as-appetizing truths behind them. I present to you my unabridged, unabashed, online dating dictionary....
Translating Men: What They Say and What They Mean
1. I’m new to the whole online dating thing.......... My online dating virginity grants me immunity to be a total jackass at any time during our impending courtship process.
2. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here.......... Please excuse me while I now describe myself in the most inane, generic, and clichéd way possible. Hey, I’m new to the whole online dating thing.
3. I’m pretty laid back and chill.......... I have no ambitions in life and am stoked that sitting on my ass, watching TV is now an activity known as “chillin’.”
4. I’m a total smart-ass........... I will cover up for my lack of actual wit by belittling anything and everything you say.
5. I’m over the bar and club scene.......... I’m starting to figure out that girls only flirt with me to get free drinks.
6. I’m looking for a girl with a good head on her shoulders.......... I’m looking for a girl with a good vagina between her legs and an even better set of breasts on her chest, but admitting thusly will guarantee that I have zero chance of finding out if you are said girl.
7. I’m looking for someone who’s real and genuine.......... Plastic blow-up dolls need not apply. Got one already.
8. I’m looking for an open-minded individual.......... I’m currently dating eight other girls and hope you’re open to being my ninth.
9. My body type = athletic and toned.......... I play kickball in a local adult recreational sports league. Sometimes, I even put my beer down before I get up to the plate.
10. My height = 5’9”.......... I’m 5’9” when I wake up the morning after a particularly foul night of drunken debauchery, my hair having grown into a three-inch-tall fermenting faux-hawk of sweat and dried gel.
Translating Women: What They Say and What They Mean
1. My friend convinced me to do this.......... My overbearing sense of pride is unable to reconcile the fact that I’m looking for dates online, so I’m laying the blame on my one friend who might once have made a passing comment about online dating... or dating... or something about being online.
2. I’m a fun-loving person.......... I am so devoid of personality that I can’t even specify what I do for fun, not that I actually do anything that can be considered fun, so I’ll just say that I love “fun” in a general sort of way.
3. I’m a total smart-ass.......... I know the proper usage of “lol,” as well as the winky-face emoticon “;-)”.
4. I’m over the bar and club scene.......... Men want to sleep with me just because I let them buy me drinks.
5. I know what I want and live life to the fullest.......... I am the center of the universe and will not hesitate to dump your sorry ass the minute even one brain cell inside my head starts to get bored with you.
6. I’m an old-fashioned kind of girl.......... You’re not getting laid on the first date. Unless you’re super-hot.
7. I’m looking for that spark.......... I’m looking for a man who’s 6’4”, makes six figures, has a chiseled jaw and washboard abs, is a hopeless romantic, has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh everyday, is intelligent and well-read, loves to travel, will buy me flowers and open doors for me, is sensitive and emotionally available, loves kids, loves pets, volunteers for charities, is a handyman, is great in bed, shares my political beliefs, shares my faith, matches my astrological sign, will not be afraid to tell me he loves me, gets along with my family, will worship me, will spoon me, will always understand me... and actually exists.
8. I’m looking for an open-minded individual.......... I’m looking for someone willing to overlook my hideousness.
9. My body type = athletic and toned.......... I have a Body Ball somewhere in my apartment. It might even be partially inflated at the moment.
10. My body type = curvy.......... Just like the legs of a chair after I’ve sat in it.
So there you are, folks. Look through those menus with a healthy dose of skepticism, and maybe your next Grand Slam will be everything that you expected. Now, if you will excuse me, this laid-back, athletic smart-ass has some profiles to fill out in his quest to find a real, genuine, open-minded girl with a good head on her shoulders.