Happy 2010, everyone! We hope your New Year's Eve was successful and involved some making out. Before we head full-steam into the new year, we're taking a look back at some of 2009's most odious celebrity couplings. If we forgot any, please leave them in the comments (and tell us whom you snogged at midnight).
Jon Gosselin & Michael Lohan
The charter members of the Bad Dads Club really outdid themselves this year. Jon cheated on his wife with her plastic surgeon's daughter, stole money from his family, and committed Ed Hardy–related fashion crimes. Michael sold voice mails from his troubled daughter to the tabloids, failed to pay child support for like the eight billionth month in a row, and abused his girlfriend. We would not cry if they both fell into a volcano.
Heidi & Spencer Pratt
They wrote a reprehensible book called How To Be Famous (well..."wrote." We don't think they wrote it any more than Sarah Palin wrote hers) and acted like blithering idiots on NBC's ill-advised I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here. She tortured the Miss Universe audience with what she thinks is a song and dance number. He grew a nasty flesh-colored beard. Can 2010 please be the year of people who are famous for having skills, rather than for being crass, mean, and omnipresent? Please?
Alex Rodriguez & Kate Hudson
Yeah, we just really don't like the Yankees. And Bride Wars was an abomination. Hope you two enjoyed all that banging!
Tila Tequila & Anyone Within A Five-Foot Radius
In September, with her reality show canceled, Tila Tequila made another desperate bid for notoriety by accusing her boyfriend, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, of choking her and imprisoning her in his home. He said he was just trying to stop her from driving drunk. Police declined to file charges against Merriman. Tila closed out the year by announcing her engagement to unstable heiress Casey Johnson and her intention to carry a baby for her brother and his wife. If we had to pinpoint why Tila Tequila bothers us so much, it's probably because she is a caricature of female sexuality, embarrassing on a grand scale, and her voice is like having a power saw buried in the side of one's head. Oh, and she's furthering the existence of MySpace.
Paris Hilton & Cristiano Ronaldo
Is it any coincidence that in the same year that he allegedly bumped uglies with Paris Hilton, Cristiano Ronaldo and Manchester United lost to FC Barcelona in the UEFA Champions League final, he failed to repeat as FIFA's World Player of the Year, and it took until the last day of qualifying for his Portugal squad to clinch a World Cup berth? We don't think so. The Curse of Paris is insidious and far-reaching. Fear her, men of the world, and stay out of her ladyparts.
Marilyn Manson & Evan Rachel Wood