You Don't "Luck Into" Love: How To Find It

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love in 90 days
Dating weary? Dr. Diana Kirschner offers advice for finding love—and fast.

For those who are single or starting over, dating can be daunting. Maybe you'd love to settle down, but the methods of meeting a man just don't seem to be working, and everywhere you turn, advice abounds.

"Try dating online!" your friends suggest. "Been there, done that," you think.

 

"You need to meet my brother—his missing teeth and eye patch are totally charming," your colleague offers.

"You should just settle down. So what if Harry doesn't call as much as you'd like? At least you won't die alone!" your mother urges.

On top of the well-meaning but poorly received advice, there's the damage that years of dating or looking for "the one" can do to one's self-esteem, motivation and optimism. Dr. Diana Kirschner, a psychologist and love expert who contributes regularly to the Today show, wants to revolutionize the way women look for love. Her book, Love in 90 Days, presents some ideas that—on the surface—may seem unappealing. For example, Dr. Diana advocates a strict "no sex" policy for the early phase of the relationship. Sound dull? Well, she does want you to to date three men at once. That better?

Whether divorced, recently out of a relationship or so single it could be your middle name, Dr. Diana's dating advice can help you identify what you want from a relationship and, with a little bit of luck, find it in three months. YourTango caught up with the love doctor to discuss her program and book.

YT: What is the 90 Days program?

Dr. Diana: The 90 Days program is a four-pronged approach. The first thing you do is identify and break your "Deadly Dating" patterns. Then you go on what I call a "Dating Program of Three," where you date three guys—but no sex with any of them. Number three—you work on your self-sabotaging ideas, your beliefs, like "I'm too old," "I'm too fat" or "There are no good men out there." You also cultivate what I call your "Diamond Self," which really helps you bust through shyness. The last thing that you do is you get yourself a "Love Mentor." This is somebody who is like a fairy godmother, who gives you the most profound support and really helps you find "the one." And all of these things work together and help you succeed in creating the love you really want.

What makes the 90 day program successful?

Doing the inner work that is necessary. You work with your self-sabotaging ideas and thoughts that are holding you back. "It's my cellulite. It's…" whatever your thoughts are that are negative.  But you also go out there and you follow these techniques where you meet lots of guys.  And you also learn how to attract them and date them. So you have inner work and outer work, and each supports the other.

How much about finding love is effort versus chance? 

People say, "If it was meant to happen, it would happen." Now, in what other area of life would you ever take that attitude? I mean, "If I was meant to be fit, it would just happen. I would be fit?" Or, "If I was meant to learn French, it would just happen. I would know French." Well, you know, love isn't any different. Luck meets the prepared mind, right?  So, you have to be prepared, and you have to work on yourself. Number one is your own self-love and, then, you have to put yourself out there.

Next: Dating three guys at one time; Deadly Dating Habits; Learning from Queen Latifah; and Duds vs. Studs...

This article was originally published at YourTango. Reprinted with permission.